05-11-2019, 08:36 AM
Realized I've been in this tug of war for a bit now and trying to push myself past my fears. But it's like wrestling an 800 lb gorilla. I'm trying to dig deeper into what's causing my behavior. Perfectionism is still a big one, why does everything need to be good enough? I still struggle with a lot of distress and feelings of self worth when things don't go right or I'm not where I want to be. I have to look into that one more because it's one of the things that makes me depressed a lot. Also causes me to procrastinate which also makes me feel worse because then I'm not doing the things I want to.
Also kind of realized I'm in this alone for the most part. A lot of people in my life don't understand what I want or when I explain they sort of interject with their own limiting beliefs. I find I can't really talk to anyone about this stuff except everyone on this forum because we're all looking for similar things. I'm at a stronger place in my life now where I can disregard those opinions, but a few years back I felt like an idiot for believing some of the things I've come to understand about life in general.
I was reading an article about where perfectionism stems from. It mostly has it's roots in childhood with a desire to be "safe". Safety, comfort zone, fear, it all loops back around to fear. Sometimes when kids are in unpredictable environments they start thinking the stuff they do causes outcomes. So it becomes a need to "get things right" so they can avoid undesirable circumstances. Illogical? Yes very much so. But it pretty much explains why when I don't get things right I fear something bad might happen to me. And linking off of that is basing my self worth on those achievements too much. So there's a fear and underlying compulsion to do things perfect, but also a desire for other people to see those perfect things and boost my self worth because of it. It's like a horrible combination that doesn't leave much room for me experiencing life without anxiety.
Also kind of realized I'm in this alone for the most part. A lot of people in my life don't understand what I want or when I explain they sort of interject with their own limiting beliefs. I find I can't really talk to anyone about this stuff except everyone on this forum because we're all looking for similar things. I'm at a stronger place in my life now where I can disregard those opinions, but a few years back I felt like an idiot for believing some of the things I've come to understand about life in general.
I was reading an article about where perfectionism stems from. It mostly has it's roots in childhood with a desire to be "safe". Safety, comfort zone, fear, it all loops back around to fear. Sometimes when kids are in unpredictable environments they start thinking the stuff they do causes outcomes. So it becomes a need to "get things right" so they can avoid undesirable circumstances. Illogical? Yes very much so. But it pretty much explains why when I don't get things right I fear something bad might happen to me. And linking off of that is basing my self worth on those achievements too much. So there's a fear and underlying compulsion to do things perfect, but also a desire for other people to see those perfect things and boost my self worth because of it. It's like a horrible combination that doesn't leave much room for me experiencing life without anxiety.
INFP
