LTU: Moving forward

[Shannon]

Yeah I have to work on that.

2 days off were rough. I reread my breakthrough a couple of posts back. My biggest issue is understanding this on an intellectual level. But knowing that doesn't change the internalized beliefs unfortunately. It does get me out of that hole of "everything is wrong and will never get better, I'm screwed". However I'm still not there. I think that breakthrough has normalized somewhat now and I'm not consciously thinking of it, but I'm displaying it in my refusal to go back to old defeating ways.

I'm still struggling with creating a life I can be happy with. I've been really tired lately. Forcing myself to make music has been something I've been obsessing a bit about. I've been trying to put my all into it so I can have my life fully immersed in it. But I feel like it's wrong because it's just generating anxiety about making enough money to live off of it.

@Shannon if you get a chance to read this. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I so desperately want to push myself as far away from this life I'm living now, but I feel like I can't get there. It's the most frustrating feeling for me. Being completely dissatisfied with how my life is, but not having the strength to change it. I keep thinking maybe I have to visualize more, act as if I am where i want to be to further cement the beliefs or align me with what I want. I don't know if this is possible, but I actually feel worse doing those things like affirmations, visualization, or whatever conscious oriented technique for life guidance in general. It's almost like it's so far out of the realm of possibility for me it hurts to even entertain the thoughts and it even backfires and causes me to think more negatively. And then when that negativity hits it's like an awful cycle I get into of negativity about experiencing negativity when trying to affirm positive things.

What you're experiencing is called growth.  Some parts are growing, and some parts are trying to hide in the familiar fear that has created all of what you have and have always had.  This is naturally going to create turbulence, as one part outgrows the limits and the fears and another part tries to hold on to it.

This would not be happening if the part of you executing the script of LTU5 were not slowly but surely changing.  These changes cannot be undone, because they are growth.  You are in the process of outgrowing the cage you had yourself in before, and if you are not all on-board with it, it may not be a very comfortable situation.  But it is growth, it is change, it is improvement and it is inevitable.  

Have you noted that those who hold onto a pre-conceived "reality" have that reality?  They focus into it so intently that they blind themselves to being able to even see anything else.  Then they only see the things that result in what they have already, and reject what could result in change.  The result?  More of what they already have.

That's the subconscious trying to use the "becoming' method to maintain status quo.  It knows how to use that naively, and it is effortless for that part of you.  When you consciously try to direct it to go in the direction you want it to go, and it deeply fears that outcome, you will have the experience you are having; what you're seeing is that the "you" at the root of your current issue, the one who has created the cage you've been living in, is reacting with fear to your efforts to get out of that cage.  It tries to make the conscious "you" experience negative things and it tries to react by pushing back with more of what it wants.  

If you keep using LTU5, the changes you seek are going to happen.  What all this means is that you're making significant progress.  You aren't all the way finished, but the change is being created and it will continue to build as you execute the script of LTU5 more and more.  That frustration you feel, use it to motivate you past your fears.  Try to explain to that part of you that the things it fears are not necessary to fear or insist on or defend yourself against.  Do the things that make logical sense to build yourself a stable platform for transitioning from your current job to a life of making music for a living.  Don't try to just jump into it blindly, but make sure your transition is as stable as you can make it.

You're making progress, and you're coming to the end of the road.  You don't have a whole lot left to accomplish to finish making these changes.  Keep using LTU5 and keep on trying.  Remember that you are outgrowing that cage, and you can't go back.  The only way forward is forward.  So keep going, and do your best.  It may not always be easy or fun, but it is progress, and that is always a good thing.

Remember also to try to enjoy making your music.  Don't rule out other types of jobs than what you have now.  Think outside the box and find ways to smooth your transition.  But never give up.