05-05-2019, 06:52 AM
Thanks man.
More and more I'm disconnecting to this lifeline. I went out to a few bars with my brother and friends and we began chatting life. The short of it is, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm under no dellusion that my job makes a difference and yet the mini micro cosm of that company would have you believe its life or death with everything. And I hate that. I don't want to be part of it, I don't care about the goals of this company, I don't care about the motivations that drive people in this company. I don't fit here and I thought I was doing something wrong, but it's not me.
But honestly isn't that most jobs? Is it at all likely anywhere else I go will be different? I'll explore, I won't close that door right away. But I've realized one thing on my huge journey of self growth and advancement, it's that most people don't even bother. They don't want to learn how to manage their anger better, be less materialistic or greedy, they'd rather let their stuff pollute the energetic airways and let the fallout hit everyone. I hold myself responsible for my actions but it stuns me how many people in this world just don't even fucking bother.
I got home from the bars yesterday and was laying awake in my bed. I'm just utterly tired of this life I'm subjecting myself to at the moment. And it's not about working harder to achieve something or be someone. I just don't want to be caught up in this clusterfuck of negativity that seems pervasive wherever I go. Yeah I can deal with it, I can learn to navigate through it. But ideally I just don't want it to be a part of my life at all. I'd rather just be surrounded by positivity. Surrounded by people that want to push beyond the limits vs reinforcing the status quo out of fear and dragging you down with them like a drowning victim.
I feel a sense of responsibility for staying with this company, but the more I think about it the more it feels like an energetic leech. It just takes from me and doesn't give me anything in return. And yet I'm burdened by a sense of guilt to give more. Much like the pendulum that was described in reality transurfing. It's like something dug its hooks into me and has hijacked my real motivations in life.
More and more I'm disconnecting to this lifeline. I went out to a few bars with my brother and friends and we began chatting life. The short of it is, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm under no dellusion that my job makes a difference and yet the mini micro cosm of that company would have you believe its life or death with everything. And I hate that. I don't want to be part of it, I don't care about the goals of this company, I don't care about the motivations that drive people in this company. I don't fit here and I thought I was doing something wrong, but it's not me.
But honestly isn't that most jobs? Is it at all likely anywhere else I go will be different? I'll explore, I won't close that door right away. But I've realized one thing on my huge journey of self growth and advancement, it's that most people don't even bother. They don't want to learn how to manage their anger better, be less materialistic or greedy, they'd rather let their stuff pollute the energetic airways and let the fallout hit everyone. I hold myself responsible for my actions but it stuns me how many people in this world just don't even fucking bother.
I got home from the bars yesterday and was laying awake in my bed. I'm just utterly tired of this life I'm subjecting myself to at the moment. And it's not about working harder to achieve something or be someone. I just don't want to be caught up in this clusterfuck of negativity that seems pervasive wherever I go. Yeah I can deal with it, I can learn to navigate through it. But ideally I just don't want it to be a part of my life at all. I'd rather just be surrounded by positivity. Surrounded by people that want to push beyond the limits vs reinforcing the status quo out of fear and dragging you down with them like a drowning victim.
I feel a sense of responsibility for staying with this company, but the more I think about it the more it feels like an energetic leech. It just takes from me and doesn't give me anything in return. And yet I'm burdened by a sense of guilt to give more. Much like the pendulum that was described in reality transurfing. It's like something dug its hooks into me and has hijacked my real motivations in life.
INFP
