Some Kind of Journal - Random Thoughts

[Shawn]

I wanted to wait longer but today I was somehow curious how I could handle the ultrasonic track so I decided at least to finish the loop I started a week before with the masked track, just as the ultrasonic track. I did get a little bit of panic in the first few minutes and then once during the day, but other than that it seemed to work smoothly. Most things I did today went also well, but this doesn't need to mean anything as they were no special things. But it looks like something is hit deeply withhin because I needed to think a lot about the past. Not the recent past, which was usually the case, but the time when I was a young adult, something I didn't need to thing about for a long time. It is about the goals and dreams I had at that time and how they failed to become true, which is somehow painful. I also realized that deep withhin I feel like I have already given up on anything a very long time ago, like nothing matters. Maybe because I failed so many times with so many things which were important to me. It's not like I don't want anything anymore, it's just the desire, the fuel which drives you to do something, it's gone, I feel emtpy and indifferent about anything on a deep level. Not sure what more to write now.