04-30-2019, 09:20 PM
A couple of nights ago, my wife started to go at me again for some minor thing or another. The roommate then yelled at her about stressing her out by fighting. She said “you guys” but she confirmed that she was actually yelling at my wife. I hadn’t been fighting, I’d been staying calm like I’ve been doing. The wife then ran upstairs spent the rest of the night in our room. She was asleep when I came up (it was a day off for me).
I had a long talk with the roommate the next day. She’d noticed some things worth mentioning and helped me realize a few more things kinda like the conversation with my dad did.
Roommate has been a friend of both of ours for almost twenty years and has known us throughout our relationship. She’s living with us partly because she helps watch our son and saves us money on child care. She said that she noticed that the wife has been taking her anger out on me again (this seems to go in cycles) but she also noticed that I had not been getting angry myself or engaging in a petty game of oneupmanship. She said that that it seemed to confuse the wife and tick her off even more that the buttons she’s trying to push no longer elicit the reactions that they used to.
The roommate said that she was surprised when the wife and I got together and even more surprised that we’d lasted as long as we had. She said that she’d noticed that the wife was very picky and had a tendency of trying to impose her OCD on others as well as seeing everything as a contest and hadn’t figured that I’d put up with that for very long.
Here’s what that made me realize: I have never had a good relationship. I bounced from one woman with severe mental issues to another, and until the one just before I got together with my wife they’d always left me and I never took it well. That kind of lead me to see my wife as a better choice and “sane” when she presented herself. (Mind you this WAS true, she is still much saner than the ones who came before her but that doesn’t say much).
Now, I’m a very desirable man. I’m good looking, intelligent, responsible, fun, and all that stuff. I just could never make a connection with a woman who hadn’t ridden the crazy train for more than a couple of loops.
The reason, or at least one of them that I allowed myself to be treated this way throughout my romantic life stems from my childhood. Throughout all the time I lived with my parents, yelling, extreme criticism, and cruel degrading insults were the norm. When I was very young, my parents went after each other. More to the point, my mom went after my Dad until he had a loud blow up. She even casually physically abused him.
After they divorced, I became the sole target for both of them. My father for reasons that I’ve explained before, and I have no idea why my mother was the way she was, but she wasn’t pleasant to be around. This caused me to see chaos as normal, as well to have self esteem problems etc. That’s why I’ve hung on so long with a wife who seems constantly angry and mistreats me. It just didn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with the situation, it fit into my normal.
Having realized that, I REALLY don’t want my son to grow up thinking that what he’s seeing is normal or ok, I know how much damage that can do.
I had a long talk with the roommate the next day. She’d noticed some things worth mentioning and helped me realize a few more things kinda like the conversation with my dad did.
Roommate has been a friend of both of ours for almost twenty years and has known us throughout our relationship. She’s living with us partly because she helps watch our son and saves us money on child care. She said that she noticed that the wife has been taking her anger out on me again (this seems to go in cycles) but she also noticed that I had not been getting angry myself or engaging in a petty game of oneupmanship. She said that that it seemed to confuse the wife and tick her off even more that the buttons she’s trying to push no longer elicit the reactions that they used to.
The roommate said that she was surprised when the wife and I got together and even more surprised that we’d lasted as long as we had. She said that she’d noticed that the wife was very picky and had a tendency of trying to impose her OCD on others as well as seeing everything as a contest and hadn’t figured that I’d put up with that for very long.
Here’s what that made me realize: I have never had a good relationship. I bounced from one woman with severe mental issues to another, and until the one just before I got together with my wife they’d always left me and I never took it well. That kind of lead me to see my wife as a better choice and “sane” when she presented herself. (Mind you this WAS true, she is still much saner than the ones who came before her but that doesn’t say much).
Now, I’m a very desirable man. I’m good looking, intelligent, responsible, fun, and all that stuff. I just could never make a connection with a woman who hadn’t ridden the crazy train for more than a couple of loops.
The reason, or at least one of them that I allowed myself to be treated this way throughout my romantic life stems from my childhood. Throughout all the time I lived with my parents, yelling, extreme criticism, and cruel degrading insults were the norm. When I was very young, my parents went after each other. More to the point, my mom went after my Dad until he had a loud blow up. She even casually physically abused him.
After they divorced, I became the sole target for both of them. My father for reasons that I’ve explained before, and I have no idea why my mother was the way she was, but she wasn’t pleasant to be around. This caused me to see chaos as normal, as well to have self esteem problems etc. That’s why I’ve hung on so long with a wife who seems constantly angry and mistreats me. It just didn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with the situation, it fit into my normal.
Having realized that, I REALLY don’t want my son to grow up thinking that what he’s seeing is normal or ok, I know how much damage that can do.
