04-29-2019, 06:59 PM
(04-29-2019, 05:15 PM)mat422 Wrote: @Infinite Thanks!
What I said earlier about not needing to dig deeper into emotional stuff. It's partly true. It was a really good breakthrough I had, but afterwards when stuff really started flowing to the surface and got uncomfortable I resorted to some avoidance tactics. But these were more like fighting to stay positive and not give in to the "negative" emotions. What I realized is that label "negative" is completely wrong. These are emotions coming from a part of myself that need to be acknowledged, not pushed away. I can acknowledge them, then let it go. But letting go is a process, one that I shouldn't assume to know how it works because I get too much in my head. It's funny because for most of my life I thought I let stuff go, but really it was a sort of denial or shunning of how I felt and burying it.
Basically I feel as if there's a separation between the raw emotion vs the stories attached to it now. It was those stories I'd obsess on that kept me trapped in a cycle of never truly moving on.
Aside from that I decided to treat myself to something recently because I hardly ever do. Got myself a groove box called the Novation Circuit.
It came today and I had another rough day at work. Initially I felt kind of depressed today and wasn't going to mess around with it. But I got home and just played around with it anyway. It's more limited than my DAW, but it's so hands on and there's no pressure to create anything amazing. I basically bought it so I could switch to a different creative process when I'm too overwhelmed with my DAW. I can just chill outside with this thing and just vibe out to some beats with it. I can export whatever I make too, so if I've got a good idea that I want to flesh out more I can bring it into the DAW.
I've also been trying really hard to not compare myself to the artists I look up to and remember why I create music in the first place. I definitely still have that habit of fear of being good enough that makes me worry about the small stuff in my tracks that aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I'm slowly breaking that habit. It's very conditioned in me because literally every time I've sat at my computer to work on music, the past 4 years, it's just been nonstop anxiety. I'm working on switching that to fun and relaxation because that's what it should be. Part of the reason I got the Circuit, I knew the whole workflow of it would prevent me from getting into that "needs to be perfect" headspace.
It all goes back to choice again. I may not be able to switch it around overnight, but as long as I understand it's my doing I can be more aware and persistent with reinforcing what I do want.
I'm glad you're finding ways to enjoy the creative process. I get wanting to process emotions without identifying with them, and that's a very difficult thing to do. I'm still trying to do that myself. But judging by the progress you've already made so far, I'm sure you'll make it past this hurdle. You're doing really well Mat! I'm glad for you
