04-29-2019, 11:44 AM
I talked to my Dad yesterday, and it gave me some insight about the negative voices That ruled my life for so many years, my self limiting beliefs, and why I’m not where I could be in my life. Now, don’t get me wrong, my father is a good man, and he was the best father he could be, but he has been a mess since I can remember almost. That, I am convinced is because my mother had all the warmth of a Komodo Dragon in a liquid nitrogen bath. She treated him like crap throughout their marriage. When I was five, he lost his executive level job, and she divorced him in the same month (that is of course right after he got done paying for her grad school). He’s never recovered from that. I suspect he had low self esteem from his childhood and didn’t have the tools available to him that I do.
After the divorce and job loss, he gave up on himself. He decided that he was a “failure”. he had a completely negative attitude all of the time, no ability to manage stress, ran himself down constantly, and had anger problems. He never physically abused me, but his patience level was zero. He was also desperate to prevent me from becoming a “failure” like he was, so he drove me to be perfect in all things. At the same time, he was the “good” parent in that he was the only one to show me any warmth so I grew up idealizing him dispute his flaws. That was such an integral part of my thinking that when he ran me down, I really took it to heart.
He also fell apart at the slightest stress, and threw the responsibility for making everything turn out ok off on me (mind you, I’m talking at six or seven years old here. And maybe HE didn’t throw it off so much as I took it on mentally). While this was happening he started talking about suicide all the time, and this became a constant fear for me. So, at a very young age, I had taken on the responsibility for making the life of a full adult turn out OK, and blamed myself when it didn’t (dispute the fact that his negative attitude was sabotaging the hell out of him), and couldn’t come around to thinking that he ever could be wrong, and lived in constant terror that he was going to kill himself.
My mother also said (she was just saying that to hurt him, but I don’t think she was totally wrong) that I was such a “loser” because I didn’t want to make him feel inferior by surpassing him.
That’s where my vicious internal critic came from, and where my negative self image came from. It’s his words and voice I heard running myself down.
I certainly hope this was a useful realization, because I’m not usually one to spend time on this type of introspection or dwell on the past. I would much rather my issues just got the hell out of my way without too much conscious thought so I can focus on building the future I want. However if it’s necessary, then it is.
It wasn’t all bad in the long run. Being forced to be the one who could manage stress at such a young age gave me the ability to handle a crisis like a boss, and that’s gotten me through situations that ranged from very stressful and potentially disastrous, to potentially fatal. I can detach from the stress of the mont and think and act cooly no matter what’s going on.
None of these things are news to me, I already knew them. The new thing is that now I can look at them with detachment and accept them as a part of my life.
After the divorce and job loss, he gave up on himself. He decided that he was a “failure”. he had a completely negative attitude all of the time, no ability to manage stress, ran himself down constantly, and had anger problems. He never physically abused me, but his patience level was zero. He was also desperate to prevent me from becoming a “failure” like he was, so he drove me to be perfect in all things. At the same time, he was the “good” parent in that he was the only one to show me any warmth so I grew up idealizing him dispute his flaws. That was such an integral part of my thinking that when he ran me down, I really took it to heart.
He also fell apart at the slightest stress, and threw the responsibility for making everything turn out ok off on me (mind you, I’m talking at six or seven years old here. And maybe HE didn’t throw it off so much as I took it on mentally). While this was happening he started talking about suicide all the time, and this became a constant fear for me. So, at a very young age, I had taken on the responsibility for making the life of a full adult turn out OK, and blamed myself when it didn’t (dispute the fact that his negative attitude was sabotaging the hell out of him), and couldn’t come around to thinking that he ever could be wrong, and lived in constant terror that he was going to kill himself.
My mother also said (she was just saying that to hurt him, but I don’t think she was totally wrong) that I was such a “loser” because I didn’t want to make him feel inferior by surpassing him.
That’s where my vicious internal critic came from, and where my negative self image came from. It’s his words and voice I heard running myself down.
I certainly hope this was a useful realization, because I’m not usually one to spend time on this type of introspection or dwell on the past. I would much rather my issues just got the hell out of my way without too much conscious thought so I can focus on building the future I want. However if it’s necessary, then it is.
It wasn’t all bad in the long run. Being forced to be the one who could manage stress at such a young age gave me the ability to handle a crisis like a boss, and that’s gotten me through situations that ranged from very stressful and potentially disastrous, to potentially fatal. I can detach from the stress of the mont and think and act cooly no matter what’s going on.
None of these things are news to me, I already knew them. The new thing is that now I can look at them with detachment and accept them as a part of my life.
