Today was an interesting experience. My wife laid into me about something that I don’t think is a real valid complaint. I had called the guy who had handled our first refinance about the second one which we’ll be able to start on in a few weeks here. For those who hadn’t read my USLM journal, We were in a ridiculous amount of debt last year, partly our own fault, and partly from her being diagnosed with MS, our son being born, his needing heart surgery at two months, and my needing to go th the ER once (I have crappy insurance). Last September, shortly after I started USLM, we were able to refinance our house, but because of her credit score, they were only able to use my income and were only able to get us enough to pay off my debts but not hers. It helped a little, but in order to get our monthly bills under control, we have to do it again. Her credit is somewhat better, so we will be able to solve most of our problems now.
I was telling her about the call and I said that we should be able to pay “your” debts, meaning the debts that were in her name. She got mad about that. She said that much of the debt was accrued on my behalf when I had very poor credit. (This is partly true). So she took offense at my referring to it as her debt. She said that she had been screwed over in the last refinance, and she always gets screwed over. This started things, but it was different this time. She was clearly upset about it, but she was a lot calmer than usual. She never raised her voice, and every time she started to lose her temper she left the room briefly and came back and continued the conversation. She DID get a bit insulting and pedantic. She said that my use of the English language is “incompetent” and went on to list a few of my other faults and a couple of other turns of phrase that I’m using “wrong”. (IE saying we are in survival mode which we are we’ve only been able to pay our bills through windfalls, I may be on luck maximized, but that doesn’t mean continuing to push said luck is a great idea). I stayed calm, and kept discussing how we are going to get out of trouble, and calling her out on how ‘‘twas treating me. I called her out on micro analyzing every thing I said in order to find something to take offense to (She was a master debater in high school and college, so verbal arguments with her are difficult and if you aren’t careful, she can make you feel really stupid). I held my own this time. At one point I turned something back on her and she got a bit flustered and told me I was just “hiding behind logic”. That got a full throated belly laugh from me, and she actually laughed too. I asked if she just did these things for entertainment. She smirked and kind of nodded. I’m not sure that she’s aware she did that.
Here are my take always from this (plus why this is sub related enough to write here)
- I don’t know if this can be called an improvement exactly as she is still being a jerk to me, I really don’t know what to make of it. but something is changing in the dynamic between us.
- I not only remained calm during the argument but stayed and felt somewhat cheerful. Often during these things I feel like I’m fighting for some kind of survival (persumedly of my ego). I laughed a few times, and was able to see the humor in the situation. Granted a few of those were AT her, beginning with how stupid I thought the original complaint was. In a weird way I was almost enjoying being able to hold my own and watching her try to get a rise out of me, or make me feel bad about myself and failing.
- I gained some insight into why she acts like this, she has a real need to feel superior and not be made to feel inferior. This isn’t a good thing, though everyone has it to some extent. At least some of this is something she does deliberately and not due to a lack of control.
- she did make an effort. She left the room when she hit the point where she’d usually get really nasty and really start going for blood, so there’s an improvement there.
- After the argument, I calmly called her out on trying to belittle and degrade me, and she took it pretty well.
I was telling her about the call and I said that we should be able to pay “your” debts, meaning the debts that were in her name. She got mad about that. She said that much of the debt was accrued on my behalf when I had very poor credit. (This is partly true). So she took offense at my referring to it as her debt. She said that she had been screwed over in the last refinance, and she always gets screwed over. This started things, but it was different this time. She was clearly upset about it, but she was a lot calmer than usual. She never raised her voice, and every time she started to lose her temper she left the room briefly and came back and continued the conversation. She DID get a bit insulting and pedantic. She said that my use of the English language is “incompetent” and went on to list a few of my other faults and a couple of other turns of phrase that I’m using “wrong”. (IE saying we are in survival mode which we are we’ve only been able to pay our bills through windfalls, I may be on luck maximized, but that doesn’t mean continuing to push said luck is a great idea). I stayed calm, and kept discussing how we are going to get out of trouble, and calling her out on how ‘‘twas treating me. I called her out on micro analyzing every thing I said in order to find something to take offense to (She was a master debater in high school and college, so verbal arguments with her are difficult and if you aren’t careful, she can make you feel really stupid). I held my own this time. At one point I turned something back on her and she got a bit flustered and told me I was just “hiding behind logic”. That got a full throated belly laugh from me, and she actually laughed too. I asked if she just did these things for entertainment. She smirked and kind of nodded. I’m not sure that she’s aware she did that.
Here are my take always from this (plus why this is sub related enough to write here)
- I don’t know if this can be called an improvement exactly as she is still being a jerk to me, I really don’t know what to make of it. but something is changing in the dynamic between us.
- I not only remained calm during the argument but stayed and felt somewhat cheerful. Often during these things I feel like I’m fighting for some kind of survival (persumedly of my ego). I laughed a few times, and was able to see the humor in the situation. Granted a few of those were AT her, beginning with how stupid I thought the original complaint was. In a weird way I was almost enjoying being able to hold my own and watching her try to get a rise out of me, or make me feel bad about myself and failing.
- I gained some insight into why she acts like this, she has a real need to feel superior and not be made to feel inferior. This isn’t a good thing, though everyone has it to some extent. At least some of this is something she does deliberately and not due to a lack of control.
- she did make an effort. She left the room when she hit the point where she’d usually get really nasty and really start going for blood, so there’s an improvement there.
- After the argument, I calmly called her out on trying to belittle and degrade me, and she took it pretty well.
