04-20-2019, 12:26 PM
What am I ashamed of? Why am I ashamed?
I'm ashamed since I began telling on myself to my coworker today, hoping it might relieve it some. I felt worse after sharing it. LTU is destroying my normal denial gateways.
I texted my mom last Sunday evening, asking how she was. I've not texted or called in a month, distancing myself from pain associated with her. Her reply was a shaming and guilting prompted by isolation (IMO). In just a few flippin' sentences, she said "Yes, it's been a month since I've seen you. I'm just getting off some antibiotics since my doctor thought I had pneumonia. How's the money situation? I could definitely use some right now. Love you, Mom"
WTF?!
That message pissed me off. It just fricken pisses me off. I still expect her to give something of herself--to be loving and lovable, and i am ashamed to admit to others she is still a self seeking, self destructive person. She's an active lifelong alcoholic. And I am hurt each time I expect to see or receive love from her. She never has any to give.
She is what i am hiding from. I hide her from others, every single one of them, for in my heart, she doesn't love me. She doesn't even know how to love herself.
This is the truth, and it SUCKS!
I don't even tell her. I don't since my expectation (not good) is that she'll deny, fight, dismiss, or shame me for telling her MY truth. This is my cycle: I don't like it, I lie to myself about it, and when I feel it, I run from it.
I'm feeling like a little boy afraid of making his Mom mad at him.
Why am I afraid?
I'm afraid she won't love me if I'm honest with her. Shannon's said in past postings to me "why would you be afraid of losing something you never received?" Change (for me) has only come with honesty. Right now I'm just plain MAD at her. I just feel pain when imagining being near her (and me seeking love).
What could I healthily do here? It's time I stood up for ME.
I'm ashamed since I began telling on myself to my coworker today, hoping it might relieve it some. I felt worse after sharing it. LTU is destroying my normal denial gateways.
I texted my mom last Sunday evening, asking how she was. I've not texted or called in a month, distancing myself from pain associated with her. Her reply was a shaming and guilting prompted by isolation (IMO). In just a few flippin' sentences, she said "Yes, it's been a month since I've seen you. I'm just getting off some antibiotics since my doctor thought I had pneumonia. How's the money situation? I could definitely use some right now. Love you, Mom"
WTF?!
That message pissed me off. It just fricken pisses me off. I still expect her to give something of herself--to be loving and lovable, and i am ashamed to admit to others she is still a self seeking, self destructive person. She's an active lifelong alcoholic. And I am hurt each time I expect to see or receive love from her. She never has any to give.
She is what i am hiding from. I hide her from others, every single one of them, for in my heart, she doesn't love me. She doesn't even know how to love herself.
This is the truth, and it SUCKS!
I don't even tell her. I don't since my expectation (not good) is that she'll deny, fight, dismiss, or shame me for telling her MY truth. This is my cycle: I don't like it, I lie to myself about it, and when I feel it, I run from it.
I'm feeling like a little boy afraid of making his Mom mad at him.
Why am I afraid?
I'm afraid she won't love me if I'm honest with her. Shannon's said in past postings to me "why would you be afraid of losing something you never received?" Change (for me) has only come with honesty. Right now I'm just plain MAD at her. I just feel pain when imagining being near her (and me seeking love).
What could I healthily do here? It's time I stood up for ME.
I want to be FREE!
