I had an experience a half hour ago, and it affected me. I'm still sitting with numerous feelings, shame the biggest one. I came home and turned on my LTU loops, hybrid.
I got off work at noon, and decided just as I was driving out that I'd go to Walmart to pick up some cooking supplies. I was in uniform, feeling self conscious that I'd gone shopping before while wearing it, using it as an ego boost. Today I was feeling a small level of shame, so that's why I was allowing of this "front". I was very attentive to others, for a LOT of people were their doing Easter shopping.
I relaxed for a second, knowing I often see people I know. I looked forward to it. I saw myself in my head being real with imagined people. 5 minutes later, I stood feet across from a confident man in his 50's who I'd known from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I asked him (in cloaked language for anonymity) if he was still going to meetings, and he said yes, confidently. I shared that I'd not been in a while, and he invited me back.
I was honest with myself and him for a moment, asking if I'd be embarrassed by others for not going. He'd already reminded me of the Tuesday 630PM meeting, and he said "noone will mess with you if you sit near me. Come sit right next to me". I honestly and even emotionally thanked him, for all I was being invited to do (from my perspective) was open my heart up again.
We parted, and I was still trying to keep up a front around so many people I did not know. I began seeking permission from myself to go to Tuesday's meeting, but also wondering why. I wanted to go not since I'm an alcoholic, but since some people believe in me. Tuesday night's meeting is a men's meeting, so bullshit doesn't fly there. I know I've changed some. In fact, the more I thought of it, I began getting soft inside. Feeling more vulnerable, I looked for old emotional shields I've used before. I couldn't really find them, so I just looked ahead, avoiding eye contact with others.
I walked towards checkout, and I saw another man I knew from Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). I asked him how he was doing, knowing his baggage is and was light years heavier than mine (he had an extremely abusive childhood). I've wondered how he was making out. He quickly said something, and I had to step closer and have him repeat it. He told me, a little ashamed, that he'd gotten back into drugs, and it'd messed up his life again. No pity story at all, just his past and present happenings. I asked him if had been honest with people about this, and yes, he had. He'll be going back to treatment, for drugs are too easy an escape for him. His story was he overcompensated and overachieved in life to avoid old pain. It never works. It was a hope. An escape. I was pulled into line, and we departed. I understand the relief one feels when needing to dump some shame, even quickly. It's why I'm actually writing now.
Wow. I was trying to overcompensate by just fronting a work uniform. And old shame was still in my belly, fearing discovery. I identified a lot with the second man's story when I was in ACA. I was feeling more than I planned.
I went into self checkout since I only had a dozen items or so. Rung up everything....and my card was declined. (Oh shit! I thought, feeling shame). I tried again. And again. No good. A cashier came over, and I asked if I could step out to check my balance. My insurance had just debited. I walked back, the cashier asked if everything was ok, and I said honestly "No ma'am" I was told they could put everything away, and feeling shame, I left. I'd been trying to hide my shame (thus making more of it), but these events came upon me, like a perfect storm.
Why am I running, hiding, and trying not to feel shame?
What am I ashamed of?
Is me hiding my shame keeping it alive? Yes. Damn. It absolutely is.
In fact, hiding shame increases shame. I've tried this for ages. Only telling on myself relieves me. Tears have come up a time or two while writing, for I'm letting go of something.
I'm grateful I can share this here.
I got off work at noon, and decided just as I was driving out that I'd go to Walmart to pick up some cooking supplies. I was in uniform, feeling self conscious that I'd gone shopping before while wearing it, using it as an ego boost. Today I was feeling a small level of shame, so that's why I was allowing of this "front". I was very attentive to others, for a LOT of people were their doing Easter shopping.
I relaxed for a second, knowing I often see people I know. I looked forward to it. I saw myself in my head being real with imagined people. 5 minutes later, I stood feet across from a confident man in his 50's who I'd known from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I asked him (in cloaked language for anonymity) if he was still going to meetings, and he said yes, confidently. I shared that I'd not been in a while, and he invited me back.
I was honest with myself and him for a moment, asking if I'd be embarrassed by others for not going. He'd already reminded me of the Tuesday 630PM meeting, and he said "noone will mess with you if you sit near me. Come sit right next to me". I honestly and even emotionally thanked him, for all I was being invited to do (from my perspective) was open my heart up again.
We parted, and I was still trying to keep up a front around so many people I did not know. I began seeking permission from myself to go to Tuesday's meeting, but also wondering why. I wanted to go not since I'm an alcoholic, but since some people believe in me. Tuesday night's meeting is a men's meeting, so bullshit doesn't fly there. I know I've changed some. In fact, the more I thought of it, I began getting soft inside. Feeling more vulnerable, I looked for old emotional shields I've used before. I couldn't really find them, so I just looked ahead, avoiding eye contact with others.
I walked towards checkout, and I saw another man I knew from Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). I asked him how he was doing, knowing his baggage is and was light years heavier than mine (he had an extremely abusive childhood). I've wondered how he was making out. He quickly said something, and I had to step closer and have him repeat it. He told me, a little ashamed, that he'd gotten back into drugs, and it'd messed up his life again. No pity story at all, just his past and present happenings. I asked him if had been honest with people about this, and yes, he had. He'll be going back to treatment, for drugs are too easy an escape for him. His story was he overcompensated and overachieved in life to avoid old pain. It never works. It was a hope. An escape. I was pulled into line, and we departed. I understand the relief one feels when needing to dump some shame, even quickly. It's why I'm actually writing now.
Wow. I was trying to overcompensate by just fronting a work uniform. And old shame was still in my belly, fearing discovery. I identified a lot with the second man's story when I was in ACA. I was feeling more than I planned.
I went into self checkout since I only had a dozen items or so. Rung up everything....and my card was declined. (Oh shit! I thought, feeling shame). I tried again. And again. No good. A cashier came over, and I asked if I could step out to check my balance. My insurance had just debited. I walked back, the cashier asked if everything was ok, and I said honestly "No ma'am" I was told they could put everything away, and feeling shame, I left. I'd been trying to hide my shame (thus making more of it), but these events came upon me, like a perfect storm.
Why am I running, hiding, and trying not to feel shame?
What am I ashamed of?
Is me hiding my shame keeping it alive? Yes. Damn. It absolutely is.
In fact, hiding shame increases shame. I've tried this for ages. Only telling on myself relieves me. Tears have come up a time or two while writing, for I'm letting go of something.
I'm grateful I can share this here.
I want to be FREE!
