04-16-2019, 12:41 AM
Didn't sleep much after that last post. Loops ended around midnight, waking me up.
Was looping some Air Supply this morning since the chords are relaxing. And I remembered something. I was in 8th grade, my first year playing french horn in the band, and the instructor chose me to play the lead solo in Willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind". It scared me, but I played 2 practices before he pulled it since we weren't jiving with it; it was a marching piece, and tbh, it's not a marching song. I've been stuck on some feeling with it, a sadness. Why?
Was it feeling I'd missed another opportunity?
That it mirrored other "losses" in my mind?
Yeah. That's it. I've been stuck on that feeling, not letting it go after all these years. Even playing French horn is symbolic here, as I still associate it with melancholy themes. If there was anything consistently stressful playing French horn, it was thinking people might think "I" was melancholy. My fronts/lies were all I had to protect me. So I hid it from myself, or at least I tried.
I was melancholy, and jealous of people who weren't. I ran from the feeling quite a bit, feeling shame when I let it out, and I'd pull away from people--as I didn't know how to accept it. Isolating was my only way of being honest with myself.
That's me this morning, spitting stuff out. Feeling like I'm in 8th grade again, literally. Images and feelings of those days are popping up.
Question: we used to have an attachment icon where I could share YT videos in my posts. Is this possible in the new forum setup? I turned on some Chuck Mangione. Listening to "Feels So Good".
Was looping some Air Supply this morning since the chords are relaxing. And I remembered something. I was in 8th grade, my first year playing french horn in the band, and the instructor chose me to play the lead solo in Willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind". It scared me, but I played 2 practices before he pulled it since we weren't jiving with it; it was a marching piece, and tbh, it's not a marching song. I've been stuck on some feeling with it, a sadness. Why?
Was it feeling I'd missed another opportunity?
That it mirrored other "losses" in my mind?
Yeah. That's it. I've been stuck on that feeling, not letting it go after all these years. Even playing French horn is symbolic here, as I still associate it with melancholy themes. If there was anything consistently stressful playing French horn, it was thinking people might think "I" was melancholy. My fronts/lies were all I had to protect me. So I hid it from myself, or at least I tried.
I was melancholy, and jealous of people who weren't. I ran from the feeling quite a bit, feeling shame when I let it out, and I'd pull away from people--as I didn't know how to accept it. Isolating was my only way of being honest with myself.
That's me this morning, spitting stuff out. Feeling like I'm in 8th grade again, literally. Images and feelings of those days are popping up.
Question: we used to have an attachment icon where I could share YT videos in my posts. Is this possible in the new forum setup? I turned on some Chuck Mangione. Listening to "Feels So Good".
I want to be FREE!
