Matt,
I read your last few posts. I identify with your thinking patterns presently. Hope is brewing, but it is obscured by those same old thoughts, the same patterns we've been circling in for years.
I'm just finishing my 2 day LTU break, and will restart tonight. Last night, after having looked through other's posts and still desiring some encouragement, I pulled up my past threads and chose to read over my USLM3 journal. Wow.......I had a lot more focus then. Since it wasn't an emotionally focused sub, my thinking was freer, and even my writing style was like "I'm thinking on this, so I'll write". Whereas now, I'm thinking on stuff, and damn...... I've not wanted to feel it. Old strategies of "ignore it, and it'll go away" aren't working like they used to anymore (but I still go there first thinking my fear will protect me). For me, old emotions seem to have a lot of power. Yeah, even while writing that, old grief came up--but not just grief. I felt hope and some comfort too. In 5 seconds time, I flashed back to my UD run, feeling somber, and also knowing this grief is the one door I need to go through--for I've done it before, and joy is on the other side. For me, grief is that mountain I keep circling, and my thinking is it's too powerful for me. However, hope keeps pulling on me, seeking my cooperation. Guns and Roses' "Patience" is going through my mind now. Heard it yesterday.
While reading your posts, I identified with the insatiable part of me, the part which sees and feels fear first. I'm attempting business moves, you're attempting music moves, and even small hangups in my life seem like major blockades. I brought up USLM since problem solving seemed much easier then, and looking back, the FRM seemed to inoculate old fears from spreading and growing like wildfire.
I'm wondering how to activate and boost USLM more while running LTU. Maybe Shannon will chime in on this more. How does one focus on an outside goal when major reconstruction is happening inside?
I read your last few posts. I identify with your thinking patterns presently. Hope is brewing, but it is obscured by those same old thoughts, the same patterns we've been circling in for years.
I'm just finishing my 2 day LTU break, and will restart tonight. Last night, after having looked through other's posts and still desiring some encouragement, I pulled up my past threads and chose to read over my USLM3 journal. Wow.......I had a lot more focus then. Since it wasn't an emotionally focused sub, my thinking was freer, and even my writing style was like "I'm thinking on this, so I'll write". Whereas now, I'm thinking on stuff, and damn...... I've not wanted to feel it. Old strategies of "ignore it, and it'll go away" aren't working like they used to anymore (but I still go there first thinking my fear will protect me). For me, old emotions seem to have a lot of power. Yeah, even while writing that, old grief came up--but not just grief. I felt hope and some comfort too. In 5 seconds time, I flashed back to my UD run, feeling somber, and also knowing this grief is the one door I need to go through--for I've done it before, and joy is on the other side. For me, grief is that mountain I keep circling, and my thinking is it's too powerful for me. However, hope keeps pulling on me, seeking my cooperation. Guns and Roses' "Patience" is going through my mind now. Heard it yesterday.
While reading your posts, I identified with the insatiable part of me, the part which sees and feels fear first. I'm attempting business moves, you're attempting music moves, and even small hangups in my life seem like major blockades. I brought up USLM since problem solving seemed much easier then, and looking back, the FRM seemed to inoculate old fears from spreading and growing like wildfire.
I'm wondering how to activate and boost USLM more while running LTU. Maybe Shannon will chime in on this more. How does one focus on an outside goal when major reconstruction is happening inside?
I want to be FREE!
