Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[Shannon]

I've restarted LTU this past Monday, and it's consistently hitting my emotional state.  I'd usually stay there, letting it peter out within time.  I'm surprised since I'm taking action.  I am walking into some fears.  Like 2 I am facing today.

One involves my daughter, and another is a possible meetup with my trader, a very beautiful woman.  I saw my daughter and ex 2 weekends ago, and I took my daughter to the beach, where we talked and swam.  My ex showed up, and eventually I got cold in the water (I have little body fat), so I went up, warmed up, and joined my ex.  We talked a good ten minutes before my daughter joined us.  And I gave both of them rubdowns right on their towels, something I'd not done in over a year, for rubdowns were one thing I used when trying to woo my wife back.  I realize it meant a lot to me doing it again.

My daughter piped up, asking my ex if one community would work nice for me were I to move up where they live (800 miles away).  I heard her and felt it slightly, but I had been enjoying the "safety" of being alone.  Well....no, not really.  Her message stuck with me.  I told one close coworker; he advised me to move up there.  I told my miner; she almost cried.  Her message was "if you can't bring her closer to you, go closer to her".  And considering I am moving forward financially, money (or a job) would not be a hindrance.

So, I texted my ex an hour ago about it.  Her reply was "I would love for you to be close to your child".  I did not expect this.  Really?  

F***.  I'm feeling old self-entitled (and self-defeating) expectations rise in me, considering my selfishness is what hurt our relationship.  That's why I'm nervous.  Thinking about this actually makes me sad.  Like......I'd have to face the consequences for my actions.  

(STOP)  This is failure-based thinking.  I've had a time this week when I had a "success high" out of nowhere.  Just LTU booting up by itself in my mind.  And listening to the old fears/dis-hopes/discouragement will only bring more.  I'm running hybrid currently, so stuff is being cleared out and being overwritten.  

I like that it does this.  I'm actively feeling myself holding on to old fears.  And slowly, I'm releasing them, and a true feeling of success comes with it, like "I did it!!"  Today I faced my fear of contacting my ex, and my miner asked me if she could be my guide when I take my daughter to Paris, and I thought it a GREAT idea.  

This feels nice

That's awesome progress, man!  Good work!