I just had a PM exchange that made me realize a couple of things that are worth mentioning.
I have been stressed out pretty much constantly since I was a pretty young kid. Age six or so. This is partly because I had two emotionally abusive parents who were mentally and emotionally broken themselves, but the why doesn’t matter much. I spent my first nineteen years in a constantly mega stressful environment. There was absolutely no let up, and it got worse as I got older.
When I went away to college, it was more or less off, but I didn’t seem to realize it. That’s when I started to stress MYSELF out. I stressed about relationships, money, social bull crap that doesn’t matter , anything and everything. (Of course I didn’t realize I was doing this). I just kept myself feeling like the world was collapsing on me no matter how I tried to change my external circumstances. To make matters worse, I self sabotaged like an mfer (I now realize) in order to manufacture stressors.
Here’s the Epiphany I have been doing this because my mind had adapted to an extreme level of stress for my first nineteen years, and was convinced that that’s how things “should” be. I caused myself to fail at a lot of things in life, and made a lot of bad choices in order to keep myself feeling the way I was used to. I probably also used the law of attraction to bring bad crap into my life too. It’s kind of like an addiction with no high.
It’s not all bad though. I also realize that I can handle the toughest situation like a badass. While I was hurting myself, I was also toughened by the stress. I don’t need to keep feeling like I used to in order to keep the strength either.
I’m sharing this because I’m sure that this coming into my consciousness is an effect of the sub, and it just occurred to me how non stressed I’ve been feeling and how new a thing that is. I couldn’t see how big a Boulder I was carrying or that I was doing it voluntarily until I was at least part way out from under it.
I have been stressed out pretty much constantly since I was a pretty young kid. Age six or so. This is partly because I had two emotionally abusive parents who were mentally and emotionally broken themselves, but the why doesn’t matter much. I spent my first nineteen years in a constantly mega stressful environment. There was absolutely no let up, and it got worse as I got older.
When I went away to college, it was more or less off, but I didn’t seem to realize it. That’s when I started to stress MYSELF out. I stressed about relationships, money, social bull crap that doesn’t matter , anything and everything. (Of course I didn’t realize I was doing this). I just kept myself feeling like the world was collapsing on me no matter how I tried to change my external circumstances. To make matters worse, I self sabotaged like an mfer (I now realize) in order to manufacture stressors.
Here’s the Epiphany I have been doing this because my mind had adapted to an extreme level of stress for my first nineteen years, and was convinced that that’s how things “should” be. I caused myself to fail at a lot of things in life, and made a lot of bad choices in order to keep myself feeling the way I was used to. I probably also used the law of attraction to bring bad crap into my life too. It’s kind of like an addiction with no high.
It’s not all bad though. I also realize that I can handle the toughest situation like a badass. While I was hurting myself, I was also toughened by the stress. I don’t need to keep feeling like I used to in order to keep the strength either.
I’m sharing this because I’m sure that this coming into my consciousness is an effect of the sub, and it just occurred to me how non stressed I’ve been feeling and how new a thing that is. I couldn’t see how big a Boulder I was carrying or that I was doing it voluntarily until I was at least part way out from under it.
