(03-29-2019, 02:46 AM)mat422 Wrote: Damn, this is tough. Back on LTU yesterday. While listening I felt that self worth building and simultaneously the pushback from subconscious. But instead of going along with that negative view of myself I just kept enforcing self compassion and kindness. After that I noticed a lot of guilt pop up.
Where I'm at now with my job, I'm not all that happy. Some of the challenges I have to face I really have no drive for. So it becomes something I really have to force myself through and if I don't keep on top of myself I slack off. That's been a thing in my life, if I have no interest it's damn near impossible for me to focus. And here's where the guilt sets in. I feel like I should be trying harder to learn this stuff and that I have a great opportunity others would kill for. I mean I have a job, a lot of others don't even have that. But I just don't feel happy. I know I should be grateful for these things but in the grand scheme of things I don't. I could be in a far worse off situation like in a warzone, homelessness, terrible poverty, etc. But for some reason acknowledging that doesn't really offset the amount of discontent I feel in my own life. I've felt like I've been on autopilot for the last year just grinding this out. It's incredibly 1st world problems I have, but it just feels like mental torture getting up every day knowing I've just traded 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.
I've never really fit in. So it's no surprise that the common approach to life makes me deeply unhappy. I've always felt guilty about that.
I recognize what you are saying and can understand it fully. Thats the thing with guilt, it makes you feel guilty. Not because you "should" but because you are troubled with it. As you build up self-worth the feelings of guilt will subside and you will start to feel that you deserve to have the life you have, be able to enjoy it, and being able to dictate for yourself what you should and shouldn't do, rather than having a feeling over you that you should do this or that, that's not really going to be satisfied, until you work on the core problem - which is overcoming the guilt in itself. This will also take care of the problem of "not fitting in" as you start to feel like you deserve to be a part of stuff.
(03-31-2019, 10:20 AM)mat422 Wrote: Officially got rid of all the dating apps on my phone and accounts. It may work for some guys but those stupid apps were only hurting me. No matter how much I told myself it wasn't a big deal after evaluating it more I realized it was a contributor to stress in my life so I ditched all of them. Plus I'd find myself sitting there on tinder mindlessly swiping away when I could have been doing something more productive.
I took a two day break to clear my head with my music. Came back to it and I started "understanding" stuff more. A lot of intuitive stuff that helps me write, but I can't really describe it. All I know is that it feels like I can express what I want better without worrying about dumb stuff like if my chord progression is interesting enough.
Weather is getting nicer again and I decided I'm going to get back into skateboarding. I'd be interested to see how FRM effects that. Most of the time in the past I was too afraid to skate anything other than flatground. Never learned how to carve inside bowls or drop in on quarter pipes.
Overall I've been feeling better. And I think it's because I've been letting go of that death grip of control that was holding back the effects of the sub. Making a conscious effort to stop controlling was a bit difficult, it basically felt like going against my every instinct that kept me safe in the past so it was hard to convince myself it was a good idea. But I think I've gotten better at it.
Totally agree with you on the dating apps. It's an unnatural way for people to meet TBH. I better like meeting a girl on a party, through some friends at a cafe, or anything IRL. If you need to use dating-apps I think the ones that are like tinder where you very easily can decide who you like/don't like based on shallow stuff isn't really good for anyone. Also, to constantly having "prospects" in your pocket and chipping in to the "swipe right"-mentality is just destructive. It make you forget the value of a human being and real contact, as everyone become replaceable.
PS.
Guilt is result of an underactive solar-plexus chakra. LTU will help you overcome this, but if you want to aid the recovery you can work directly on this energetic center with different exercises. Anearobic exercise is good for this as it stimulate abdominal breathing (where the chakra draw it's energy from) such as running or anything that will make you short of of breath. You can also look into wim-hof breathing (and just practising abdominal breathing in general) and cold showers which I use with good results.
