03-28-2019, 05:37 AM
(03-27-2019, 07:44 PM)Paul1131 Wrote:(02-16-2019, 01:55 PM)mat422 Wrote: Man, if there's one thing I need to learn is to not second guess myself. This song I've been working on for a bit now has gone through so many changes. Finally I ended up right back where I started. All the in between stuff where I thought I was improving it was just the fear. There's a certain clarity I have when I start a song that gets lost along the process. This is probably why it takes me so long to finish. Not because I'm being super attentive and refining fine details, but rather I spend most of that time second guessing everything and changing and adding too much.
On a non music related thing. I'm having these weird sort of flashbacks to my time in school. School was always rough for me. I don't think I've let go of those emotions, simply buried them. I've done that with a lot in my life actually. Despite all the anxiety I faced at times, I pushed on. But it had a sort of build up effect on me. I've got so much stuff I pushed myself through, but it never really felt like I conquered it. I've been really restless lately, definitely feels like the emotional healing process. There's a part of me that developed with a very strong will to push myself past all these things, but another part that's still there weighed down by it all. I've very strongly denied that part of myself for a while now because I always wanted to move past it. But by ignoring it, it just continued to influence me in the background.
Question, are you getting flashbacks to stuff that happened in school where you have some control and can make it come out differently? I’ve been getting those, though I’m not sure it’s an entirely good thing. I sometimes feel the anger that I suppressed at the time and ...... overreact a bit.
I vividly remember having had some of those when I was running USLM in one of its earlier iterations, the one with FRM 1.0 or 2.0, I think? What you consider an overreaction may actually be what you truly wanted to do in that given situation absent fear, lol (I remember in my case it being about my old piano teacher when I was a younglin', ages 6-10 IIRC, in that flashback I was punching her in the face, lol).
Don't be worried about these, they're a good sign I think. Stuff is getting resolved and you're going to start feeling better in the long run.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
