Wow. I had a very full day of emotional experiences.
This was my first day around others since I began LTU. I'll list different experiences which happened today, followed by which subs I'm seeing active.
What's sticking with me now is this growing..........need, desire, goal.....to break free from painful norms and beliefs I've held on to. I came home, thought I'd have some coffee......but I use it to squelch me......... Listening to some music now, and am moved. It's like this message in my thinking is loud---"I CAN SUCCEED! I WILL SUCCEED!" Now, that's exciting to me. (USLM, UD, OTVM, Empowerment scripting)
Today I was picking up trash cans from delinquent customers (it's not in our taxes here; personal subscription only). I came to this condo association, geared for older people. I found my stop, saw the can, and I also saw this very old man out on his porch. I approached him since I wanted to make sure it was his (he was in a duplex unit). He loudly, not angrily, let me know he couldn't hear me. I got down on one knee close to him, and his face lit up. He told me quickly it'd take 3 years to answer my "how are you doing?" question. I learned he had some disease which eats his brain, and he'd had 2 brothers pass away from it. His wife came out minutes later, and he bridled his excitement some. She was cool. I stayed maybe 5 minutes. (DNS, UD, socializing module from LTU3.1)
But as I was loading the can, a very attractive woman in her 50's from across the street came over and asked if I had any new cans. I said softly that it was another driver giving those cans. I mention this since I picked up this distinct vibe she was attracted to me. My words had been gentle, mostly since I couldn't fill her request. I saw a deep twinkle and desire in her eyes, and I felt it. I felt a desire I've not felt in years. It was a desire for emotional intimacy. I want more of that! (Improve Your Love Live module, SE, FRM, UD)
Then, while driving, I thought of my socializing experiences at church in years past. Just imagining and remembering this, I quickly went to the one constant I'd always gone to: fear of rejection, and ultimately, fears of abandonment. And............I couldn't go there like I always have. The thought that came forward was "is (this fear) really true?" I've NEVER thought that. I was having all kinds of experiences, thoughts, and feelings this day (E3, UD, SE).
And lastly, one visit I experienced was a family I could clearly identify with, and it stuck with me since I saw me and my family in theirs. 3 adults were outside sitting on their porch midday (ages 30-70), they were poor, and since I heard the great grandma (?) walk away and begin cussing me for breaking up the denial party, I noticed and owned some of the shame in this place. I had grown up like this. I saw it in their faces, I saw the lies ("we always pay our bills!"), and the obvious cues of trying to make it sound believable--when it wasn't. Trying to look professional, I went to my truck, and I called my super to check. I learned they hadn't paid a bill in 9 months. I almost went back......but didn't. I left their can. Talking with another coworker about this at the end of the day, I realized I'd gone to that familiar belief that I was powerlessness. I'd picked up the shame there, looked for my place in it, and I just did what I'd always done, which is ignore the problems on the table, hoping noone would see it, me included. The auric shield, E3, SE, OTVM, and Break Free From Your Past were all working in this incident. Maybe UD too, since I noticed me pulling out of the shame spiral. Shame grows when I lie to myself, and I DID NOT want to stay there! GRRRRR.....HELL NO!!!
This was the fullest emotional day I've had in years. Good. Bad. Everything. It was very, very real for me.
This was my first day around others since I began LTU. I'll list different experiences which happened today, followed by which subs I'm seeing active.
What's sticking with me now is this growing..........need, desire, goal.....to break free from painful norms and beliefs I've held on to. I came home, thought I'd have some coffee......but I use it to squelch me......... Listening to some music now, and am moved. It's like this message in my thinking is loud---"I CAN SUCCEED! I WILL SUCCEED!" Now, that's exciting to me. (USLM, UD, OTVM, Empowerment scripting)
Today I was picking up trash cans from delinquent customers (it's not in our taxes here; personal subscription only). I came to this condo association, geared for older people. I found my stop, saw the can, and I also saw this very old man out on his porch. I approached him since I wanted to make sure it was his (he was in a duplex unit). He loudly, not angrily, let me know he couldn't hear me. I got down on one knee close to him, and his face lit up. He told me quickly it'd take 3 years to answer my "how are you doing?" question. I learned he had some disease which eats his brain, and he'd had 2 brothers pass away from it. His wife came out minutes later, and he bridled his excitement some. She was cool. I stayed maybe 5 minutes. (DNS, UD, socializing module from LTU3.1)
But as I was loading the can, a very attractive woman in her 50's from across the street came over and asked if I had any new cans. I said softly that it was another driver giving those cans. I mention this since I picked up this distinct vibe she was attracted to me. My words had been gentle, mostly since I couldn't fill her request. I saw a deep twinkle and desire in her eyes, and I felt it. I felt a desire I've not felt in years. It was a desire for emotional intimacy. I want more of that! (Improve Your Love Live module, SE, FRM, UD)
Then, while driving, I thought of my socializing experiences at church in years past. Just imagining and remembering this, I quickly went to the one constant I'd always gone to: fear of rejection, and ultimately, fears of abandonment. And............I couldn't go there like I always have. The thought that came forward was "is (this fear) really true?" I've NEVER thought that. I was having all kinds of experiences, thoughts, and feelings this day (E3, UD, SE).
And lastly, one visit I experienced was a family I could clearly identify with, and it stuck with me since I saw me and my family in theirs. 3 adults were outside sitting on their porch midday (ages 30-70), they were poor, and since I heard the great grandma (?) walk away and begin cussing me for breaking up the denial party, I noticed and owned some of the shame in this place. I had grown up like this. I saw it in their faces, I saw the lies ("we always pay our bills!"), and the obvious cues of trying to make it sound believable--when it wasn't. Trying to look professional, I went to my truck, and I called my super to check. I learned they hadn't paid a bill in 9 months. I almost went back......but didn't. I left their can. Talking with another coworker about this at the end of the day, I realized I'd gone to that familiar belief that I was powerlessness. I'd picked up the shame there, looked for my place in it, and I just did what I'd always done, which is ignore the problems on the table, hoping noone would see it, me included. The auric shield, E3, SE, OTVM, and Break Free From Your Past were all working in this incident. Maybe UD too, since I noticed me pulling out of the shame spiral. Shame grows when I lie to myself, and I DID NOT want to stay there! GRRRRR.....HELL NO!!!
This was the fullest emotional day I've had in years. Good. Bad. Everything. It was very, very real for me.
I want to be FREE!
