03-09-2019, 03:08 PM
(03-09-2019, 09:09 AM)mat422 Wrote: I feel like I'm not living my life authentically. I can't tell if that's LTU creating that feeling or if I've always felt that way deep down and just buried it. I've also had a lot of anger in the past about people constantly projecting how you're supposed to live life. Or getting mad at structures that I felt held me down or prevented me from living the life I want. What I've realized is nobody is preventing me from doing anything, I am. It was easier to sit there and blame someone else than take responsibility.
This is exactly what I experienced when I did ran UD by itself. I hid behind masks, masks that worked the majority of the time, but the remaining 10-15% of the time, I identified more and more with it, and I berated myself too. I felt like an imposter when I'd allow myself to be honest. UD is doing some deep, life changing work in you, by your own admission. It doesn't feel good, which is why I'm positive you'll choose to make different decisions for yourself soon.
(03-09-2019, 09:09 AM)mat422 Wrote: I think this all started early with school and authority figures, you're told to follow directions and don't question stuff. Combine that with low self esteem and it has the effect of thinking other people know better than me. Basically doubting myself, losing confidence in my own decisions, etc.
I can relate to your struggle. I really can. That was my norm too. In fact, this morning, upon going into some self-doubt, I wondered if Shannon had put some scripting in LTU to address this. However, as I'm seeing now, self doubt is a product of avoiding responsibility (for myself). I thought "If I doubt myself....(ugh), someone may either take over, and I'll avoid trying and failing." There is a tradeoff though. It hurts my self worth bad. OTVM, for me, is a lifesaver. I've not even been thinking like that these 3 days I've been on LTU so far.
But I'll share too that the anger management sub in LTU hit me a day ago. It wasn't because of bad interactions with anyone else. It's that I realized I had been pointing hatred at myself for so long. LTU is like a big eraser, and so I could tell something was missing. My self-hate was going away, and I didn't do anything to make this happen except listen to LTU and accept its changes. I felt tears of relief just writing that.
Healing is definitely happening. In both of us. Keep up your courageous posts.
I want to be FREE!
