03-09-2019, 09:09 AM
I feel like I'm not living my life authentically. I can't tell if that's LTU creating that feeling or if I've always felt that way deep down and just buried it. I've also had a lot of anger in the past about people constantly projecting how you're supposed to live life. Or getting mad at structures that I felt held me down or prevented me from living the life I want. What I've realized is nobody is preventing me from doing anything, I am. It was easier to sit there and blame someone else than take responsibility. Yeah there's always pressure from society to live a certain way, do certain things, etc. but ultimately they don't have say on how I live my life. I think this all started early with school and authority figures, you're told to follow directions and don't question stuff. Combine that with low self esteem and it has the effect of thinking other people know better than me. Basically doubting myself, losing confidence in my own decisions, etc.
Anyway I woke up today and I don't know what it is about weekends but they fill me with anxiety. It's like I've got a brief window away from the life I don't really want to be living, but at the same time it lurks around the corner. You'd think the weekend would hit and I'd be full of energy. But it's the exact opposite. I get depressed because it feels like it doesn't matter. Anything I do won't change the fact that I'm not all that happy in my life. So instead of continuing to work on my music I find myself binging some tv show or watching a movie because I don't have the energy. But even those options aren't fully enjoyed because it just feels like another escape.
My main issue is I'm still trying to work out how to fix the underlying dysfunction. What would make me happy? Is it because I'm just not confident enough and careers and work fill me with anxiety? If I was more confident would the field I'm in be more tolerable? Or would I still feel that gnawing sensation that it wasn't right for me?
For me it's hard to leave this job or move to something new because for one I'm not confident. Yet at least. I still hate the interview process, the hoops you have to jump through to prove you're a good fit, how being honest is more of a detriment than the sleazy scumbag that lied his way through the interview with charisma and yet there's no repercussions. And it scares me because I was unemployed for a long time and not having a job is a real threat to survival. Like I said it's probably a confidence thing, if I had the confidence to be able to hop from job to job and have positions readily available I wouldn't worry as much. But I definitely come from a scarcity mentality and have fear that still grips me very strongly when it comes to new things that throws me off. I know I have free will, but sometimes I feel like I don't because I lock myself into these unfulfilling positions out of fear.
Anyway I woke up today and I don't know what it is about weekends but they fill me with anxiety. It's like I've got a brief window away from the life I don't really want to be living, but at the same time it lurks around the corner. You'd think the weekend would hit and I'd be full of energy. But it's the exact opposite. I get depressed because it feels like it doesn't matter. Anything I do won't change the fact that I'm not all that happy in my life. So instead of continuing to work on my music I find myself binging some tv show or watching a movie because I don't have the energy. But even those options aren't fully enjoyed because it just feels like another escape.
My main issue is I'm still trying to work out how to fix the underlying dysfunction. What would make me happy? Is it because I'm just not confident enough and careers and work fill me with anxiety? If I was more confident would the field I'm in be more tolerable? Or would I still feel that gnawing sensation that it wasn't right for me?
For me it's hard to leave this job or move to something new because for one I'm not confident. Yet at least. I still hate the interview process, the hoops you have to jump through to prove you're a good fit, how being honest is more of a detriment than the sleazy scumbag that lied his way through the interview with charisma and yet there's no repercussions. And it scares me because I was unemployed for a long time and not having a job is a real threat to survival. Like I said it's probably a confidence thing, if I had the confidence to be able to hop from job to job and have positions readily available I wouldn't worry as much. But I definitely come from a scarcity mentality and have fear that still grips me very strongly when it comes to new things that throws me off. I know I have free will, but sometimes I feel like I don't because I lock myself into these unfulfilling positions out of fear.
INFP
