03-04-2019, 06:09 PM
Initially didn't want to post this, but I had a really rough time last night. I don't know how to describe it other than a profound feeling of not wanting to be "me". The complete opposite of acceptance of myself. In fact it was more like disgust. Maybe this was indeed the detox part of the sub. Maybe I was seeing all my negative behaviors from a position of two distinct awarenesses vs being wrapped up in it.
The only way I can describe it really is that I've realized self acceptance of the past was more like "you're lower than everyone else, accept that". Not particularly positive. This is more like change, choosing to be someone that isn't weak and who is confident. I've really realized my entire mental image of myself is predominantly negative. If most people sort of operate from a space within themselves and navigate the world with a sort of baseline, mines abysmally low. I legitimately have no concept of intrinsic self worth for myself. I never "learned" that. I also have a very weak concept of self because a large majority of it is just negative. I think where I've gone wrong is constantly going into the past to uncover who I am, which just lead to confirmation of more negative stuff . And maybe that sense of worth was never there to begin with. Maybe I just have to create it now. Regardless of what happened in the past.
The only way I can describe it really is that I've realized self acceptance of the past was more like "you're lower than everyone else, accept that". Not particularly positive. This is more like change, choosing to be someone that isn't weak and who is confident. I've really realized my entire mental image of myself is predominantly negative. If most people sort of operate from a space within themselves and navigate the world with a sort of baseline, mines abysmally low. I legitimately have no concept of intrinsic self worth for myself. I never "learned" that. I also have a very weak concept of self because a large majority of it is just negative. I think where I've gone wrong is constantly going into the past to uncover who I am, which just lead to confirmation of more negative stuff . And maybe that sense of worth was never there to begin with. Maybe I just have to create it now. Regardless of what happened in the past.
INFP
