02-27-2019, 08:55 AM
First of all, I need to make a correction to my first post. I didn't have infections, I had inflammations. Inflammations on both shoulder's rotator muscle, and inflammations on ligaments/tendons.
Now let's get to the report.
Today was pretty interesting. Keep in mind I just listened to LTU one day. (5 loops on night, while I was awake and sleeping.)
First let's start with the effect I felt. I noticed a few things today.
1. Extremely sensitive emotional state. Or you may say extremely heightened emotional sensitivity.
This feeling isn't something new to me. I had experienced this state back in early 2010s when I was depressed, and back when I was INFP/FJ. (I have taken MBTI testings a few times. Almost all the times, my results were different. I was first either INTP or TJ, then I became INFJ, and then INFP, and the last test was INTP or TJ. I also remember that T and P/J score is pretty low to a point that it can go either way. Also, my latest result shows that my I and N have gotten weaker, but still pretty strong. I see this as a good sign as I believe going towards the middle is a sign that I am maturing that I can go either way based on the needs and my wants.) This was a time, I was told the most empathetic person that a school pastor has ever met. (Keep in mind this man has met thousands of students and people, because of his work.)
So what was it like? Well, I was watching TED at work, (I am allowed to and typically read NYT, WSJ, FT, Bloomberg, and VOANews, and etc at work. I also occasionally watch TED. It is allowed, and if somebody at work disputes that, I can bring a statement from former defense minister.) and it was about a woman's experience being a juror, in which she sentenced a death penalty. Hearing her experience and the process of healing and reconciliation was too emotionally strong and bonding to me that I almost cried. It made me feel sad, but not only sad, but there were many other emotions involved, which I cannot describe.
The feeling of extremely heightened emotional sensitivity and state feels same as being on Ritalin/Concerta/Adderall. How do I know? I took them in the past. (Well, my mental health history is a long one, and I'd not share it. If interested in knowing more, PM me.) For those who don't know, I suppose it is similar to the feeling raised heart beat after drinking 10 cups of coffee at once. Yep, that heart pounding from the coffee is the feeling.
The TED wasn't the only thing I had emotional sensitivity. I don't remember, but there was also something else. (Don't remember if it's something I read or watched.)
To me, I suppose the LTU's module on emotion isn't making me letting go or erase emotion or negative emotion. Rather it seems it is restoring that emotional side of me. Why does it feel like restoring even when dealing emotions, the heightened emotional sensitivity and state is damn difficult? There are several reasons.
1. Back when I was INFP, INFJ, and on the borderline of being severely depressed and normal, I wanted to feel, and I wanted to have more rich emotions. However, after I moved on to more academic focus, especially after I went to a grad school, I went back to not wanting emotion or wanting rich emotional experiences. (I suppose more specifically negative emotions.) This not wanting emotion was basically the same thought I had in 2007~8, when I was severely depressed and suicidal. Anyway, I had sorta shut my emotional side of me down, pretty much ignoring it. Now that emotional side, sensitivity, and empathetic ability just went live again, it feels like that was restored.
2. Those of you who have read my previous journals may remember that I have high functioning autism. Based on my understanding and reading academic/medical findings of more recent studies, autistic people are more detached from their emotional sensitivity, intelligence, and state, not because they lack that ability, but because they have way too much emotional sensitivity. Too much that they don't know how to deal with it, nor can they express it in a language. Therefore, they resort to shutting that side down and ultimately detaching from that side. Why? If they don't it becomes very difficult to survive, as they don't know how to deal with it, and those without autism cannot help much either as they have no clue what's it like to go through that extremely rich emotion.
Based on this belief/thought/fact, today's heightened emotional sensitivity, state and empathetic ability seems like a restoration to me.
Now what do I think about this? I don't know, it can be a good thing, but I am also worried. Why? because this state can lead me to be seriously depressed and potentially suicidal. I am gonna need to keep a close eye on this. Still, if I can master dealing with the heightened emotional sensitivity and empathetic ability, it would be a huge asset to me. Therefore, it can be a good thing. Let's hope that LTU can help me master that ability.
The next thing can be potentially LM's work. One of the works I am required to do has to do with garbage. (It can be either taking garbage to garbage processing site or going out in the community and picking up garbage. ) I was asked to go out and dispose all the juices that has been expired. While doing this, a government employee told me that after lunch we would need to go out and do the garbage work. (This time it was to pick up the garbage from the office, and while doing that go outside and pick up garbage from one of the community.) I was thinking "seriously? one of the explicit goal was to make this conscription easier, and just I started LTU and setting that goal, I get this work?"
After I disposed the juices and came back another employee told me that there is a haircut service. (This is a service in which two hairdressers come and give haircuts to old people who are on social welfare.) Basically, I'm the one who oversees this (technically it should be the employee's job, but outsourced to me.) I was like okay. At the same time thinking "yes! I don't need to go out, as I actually cannot go out, since I need to do this work." The bad part is that both the employee and I forgot about the service that I had shortened lunch time. (Typically, I go out earlier as I need to comeback earlier. However, because we both forgot about it, I left at the same time, but had to come back earlier.)
Still the LM part need to be seen as I don't know if they have brought the garbage at the office to the processing site. If that didn't happen today, that means I may be required to go there.
So we have emotional side, or internal side of me with LTU, and potential LM work today. And there is this one odd event happened.
After the haircut service, I cleaned the place (normally you'd think that the volunteers will clean, or help clean, but they never did, and I'm the only one who cleans afterwards. This situation should be improved later.) and came down to report to the employee. I reported the situation and went to my station to drop my belongs. (I went directly to the place after the lunch.) And then I decided to go and clean up myself a bit (got some juices from the previous disposal work), and once I came back I decided to go talk to the employee again. I needed to talk to the employee as one of the old lady who came to get haircut showed signs of dementia (couldn't remember her phone number, and she also told me that she couldn't remember her address once that she had to wait till night for her grandchild to pick her up). Since all of these old people are on social welfare, I thought it was imperative to report, and at the same time, I need to know whether this one actually has dementia, as for sure she will come back. (I recognize most of these old folks as same people come over and over again.)
This was when odd thing started to happen. The employee was talking to her superior, and basically she was complaining how her work has been difficult and etc. (I didn't plan on eavesdropping, but accidentally ended up doing it.) The atmosphere turned odd as I accidentally heard the employee's complain that how her other superior was the worst. I said what I needed to say, but couldn't actually get things checked, as the atmosphere turned pretty bitter and this employee seemed mad, and requested that I leave them alone until their conversation is finished. Well, first of all, they were talking in the public space, and that if they need to have such privacy they needed to picked up a better spot. (Pretty inappropriate to complain about your superior in a place where other employees can hear...) I apologized and left the scene. Here the heightened emotional sensitivity didn't help. I suppose anger, sadness kicked in along with many other emotions. Had raised heartbeat for a while, and the heightened emotional sensitivity and state was there for a while. (One downside for this state is that it basically prevents me from being able to focus and work on anything. This is one of the reason, why mastering the control over this is essential.)
Then, I noticed that the employee went to somewhere more private and began crying. (I could hear. I have a pretty good hearing. However, I am also noticing that my hearing ability is slowly degrading as I am not hearing 20khz range. Funny thing though much higher range, I can hear, but found that I cannot hear 19.5~20khz range. I am aging I suppose. Just two months ago I could hear that range fine, but now, I can't. I suppose this can be a good thing now that I don't hear ultrasonic edition.) The superior followed, and it later seemed like she cried too. I was like ?????????????????????????? What the fuck's going on? I started LTU, and now some crazy shit's going on here after listening to it one day.
I don't know can LTU make others extremely emotional? Anyway, that was pretty bizarre.
To summarize, I noticed three things.
1. Emotional side has some impact. My extremely sensitive emotional sensitivity, heightened emotional state and empathetic ability came back/is coming back. It can have negative impact that I need to learn how to control/master myself during such state. If I can do that it will be a huge asset. (Which I believe will allow me to live more fully, and can potentially help me with my future lover (assuming that I get one.))
2. Potential LM work, but will need to observe more to know for sure.
3. Bizarre event at work, and can LTU spread to non listeners?
Now let's get to the report.
Today was pretty interesting. Keep in mind I just listened to LTU one day. (5 loops on night, while I was awake and sleeping.)
First let's start with the effect I felt. I noticed a few things today.
1. Extremely sensitive emotional state. Or you may say extremely heightened emotional sensitivity.
This feeling isn't something new to me. I had experienced this state back in early 2010s when I was depressed, and back when I was INFP/FJ. (I have taken MBTI testings a few times. Almost all the times, my results were different. I was first either INTP or TJ, then I became INFJ, and then INFP, and the last test was INTP or TJ. I also remember that T and P/J score is pretty low to a point that it can go either way. Also, my latest result shows that my I and N have gotten weaker, but still pretty strong. I see this as a good sign as I believe going towards the middle is a sign that I am maturing that I can go either way based on the needs and my wants.) This was a time, I was told the most empathetic person that a school pastor has ever met. (Keep in mind this man has met thousands of students and people, because of his work.)
So what was it like? Well, I was watching TED at work, (I am allowed to and typically read NYT, WSJ, FT, Bloomberg, and VOANews, and etc at work. I also occasionally watch TED. It is allowed, and if somebody at work disputes that, I can bring a statement from former defense minister.) and it was about a woman's experience being a juror, in which she sentenced a death penalty. Hearing her experience and the process of healing and reconciliation was too emotionally strong and bonding to me that I almost cried. It made me feel sad, but not only sad, but there were many other emotions involved, which I cannot describe.
The feeling of extremely heightened emotional sensitivity and state feels same as being on Ritalin/Concerta/Adderall. How do I know? I took them in the past. (Well, my mental health history is a long one, and I'd not share it. If interested in knowing more, PM me.) For those who don't know, I suppose it is similar to the feeling raised heart beat after drinking 10 cups of coffee at once. Yep, that heart pounding from the coffee is the feeling.
The TED wasn't the only thing I had emotional sensitivity. I don't remember, but there was also something else. (Don't remember if it's something I read or watched.)
To me, I suppose the LTU's module on emotion isn't making me letting go or erase emotion or negative emotion. Rather it seems it is restoring that emotional side of me. Why does it feel like restoring even when dealing emotions, the heightened emotional sensitivity and state is damn difficult? There are several reasons.
1. Back when I was INFP, INFJ, and on the borderline of being severely depressed and normal, I wanted to feel, and I wanted to have more rich emotions. However, after I moved on to more academic focus, especially after I went to a grad school, I went back to not wanting emotion or wanting rich emotional experiences. (I suppose more specifically negative emotions.) This not wanting emotion was basically the same thought I had in 2007~8, when I was severely depressed and suicidal. Anyway, I had sorta shut my emotional side of me down, pretty much ignoring it. Now that emotional side, sensitivity, and empathetic ability just went live again, it feels like that was restored.
2. Those of you who have read my previous journals may remember that I have high functioning autism. Based on my understanding and reading academic/medical findings of more recent studies, autistic people are more detached from their emotional sensitivity, intelligence, and state, not because they lack that ability, but because they have way too much emotional sensitivity. Too much that they don't know how to deal with it, nor can they express it in a language. Therefore, they resort to shutting that side down and ultimately detaching from that side. Why? If they don't it becomes very difficult to survive, as they don't know how to deal with it, and those without autism cannot help much either as they have no clue what's it like to go through that extremely rich emotion.
Based on this belief/thought/fact, today's heightened emotional sensitivity, state and empathetic ability seems like a restoration to me.
Now what do I think about this? I don't know, it can be a good thing, but I am also worried. Why? because this state can lead me to be seriously depressed and potentially suicidal. I am gonna need to keep a close eye on this. Still, if I can master dealing with the heightened emotional sensitivity and empathetic ability, it would be a huge asset to me. Therefore, it can be a good thing. Let's hope that LTU can help me master that ability.
The next thing can be potentially LM's work. One of the works I am required to do has to do with garbage. (It can be either taking garbage to garbage processing site or going out in the community and picking up garbage. ) I was asked to go out and dispose all the juices that has been expired. While doing this, a government employee told me that after lunch we would need to go out and do the garbage work. (This time it was to pick up the garbage from the office, and while doing that go outside and pick up garbage from one of the community.) I was thinking "seriously? one of the explicit goal was to make this conscription easier, and just I started LTU and setting that goal, I get this work?"
After I disposed the juices and came back another employee told me that there is a haircut service. (This is a service in which two hairdressers come and give haircuts to old people who are on social welfare.) Basically, I'm the one who oversees this (technically it should be the employee's job, but outsourced to me.) I was like okay. At the same time thinking "yes! I don't need to go out, as I actually cannot go out, since I need to do this work." The bad part is that both the employee and I forgot about the service that I had shortened lunch time. (Typically, I go out earlier as I need to comeback earlier. However, because we both forgot about it, I left at the same time, but had to come back earlier.)
Still the LM part need to be seen as I don't know if they have brought the garbage at the office to the processing site. If that didn't happen today, that means I may be required to go there.
So we have emotional side, or internal side of me with LTU, and potential LM work today. And there is this one odd event happened.
After the haircut service, I cleaned the place (normally you'd think that the volunteers will clean, or help clean, but they never did, and I'm the only one who cleans afterwards. This situation should be improved later.) and came down to report to the employee. I reported the situation and went to my station to drop my belongs. (I went directly to the place after the lunch.) And then I decided to go and clean up myself a bit (got some juices from the previous disposal work), and once I came back I decided to go talk to the employee again. I needed to talk to the employee as one of the old lady who came to get haircut showed signs of dementia (couldn't remember her phone number, and she also told me that she couldn't remember her address once that she had to wait till night for her grandchild to pick her up). Since all of these old people are on social welfare, I thought it was imperative to report, and at the same time, I need to know whether this one actually has dementia, as for sure she will come back. (I recognize most of these old folks as same people come over and over again.)
This was when odd thing started to happen. The employee was talking to her superior, and basically she was complaining how her work has been difficult and etc. (I didn't plan on eavesdropping, but accidentally ended up doing it.) The atmosphere turned odd as I accidentally heard the employee's complain that how her other superior was the worst. I said what I needed to say, but couldn't actually get things checked, as the atmosphere turned pretty bitter and this employee seemed mad, and requested that I leave them alone until their conversation is finished. Well, first of all, they were talking in the public space, and that if they need to have such privacy they needed to picked up a better spot. (Pretty inappropriate to complain about your superior in a place where other employees can hear...) I apologized and left the scene. Here the heightened emotional sensitivity didn't help. I suppose anger, sadness kicked in along with many other emotions. Had raised heartbeat for a while, and the heightened emotional sensitivity and state was there for a while. (One downside for this state is that it basically prevents me from being able to focus and work on anything. This is one of the reason, why mastering the control over this is essential.)
Then, I noticed that the employee went to somewhere more private and began crying. (I could hear. I have a pretty good hearing. However, I am also noticing that my hearing ability is slowly degrading as I am not hearing 20khz range. Funny thing though much higher range, I can hear, but found that I cannot hear 19.5~20khz range. I am aging I suppose. Just two months ago I could hear that range fine, but now, I can't. I suppose this can be a good thing now that I don't hear ultrasonic edition.) The superior followed, and it later seemed like she cried too. I was like ?????????????????????????? What the fuck's going on? I started LTU, and now some crazy shit's going on here after listening to it one day.
I don't know can LTU make others extremely emotional? Anyway, that was pretty bizarre.
To summarize, I noticed three things.
1. Emotional side has some impact. My extremely sensitive emotional sensitivity, heightened emotional state and empathetic ability came back/is coming back. It can have negative impact that I need to learn how to control/master myself during such state. If I can do that it will be a huge asset. (Which I believe will allow me to live more fully, and can potentially help me with my future lover (assuming that I get one.))
2. Potential LM work, but will need to observe more to know for sure.
3. Bizarre event at work, and can LTU spread to non listeners?
