02-21-2019, 06:38 PM
Absolutely lost it today when I got home from work. First I woke up feeling drained, but at the same time an internal pressure that felt like intense agitation. It only got worse as I went through the day. It developed into a headache. I couldn't focus at work due to being incredibly tired and honestly not giving a shit about any of it. The cold I though I was past magically resurfaced again and I'm feeling sick again.
When I finally made it home I wanted to finish up the track I was working on. So I started on that. But it wasn't working out and I got frustrated. I had this rage building inside of me. Just feeling completely sick of this routine, wasting my time doing shit I don't even care about. If I had less self control I swear I would have ended up smashing something or putting holes in my wall. The feelings were that bad.
This is what happens when you spend years going against what you really want and going down a path that isn't you. My denial has been so strong with regards to what I'm ok with. Basically the dam broke and I'm flooded right now with intense feelings of frustration and anger. There's absolutely no practical step by step thing here, it's just me releasing years of dissatisfaction. Just going most of my life feeling like everything is wrong and eventually get to a point where I just swallowed it and gave up. I thought I had to "mature". I just buried everything really and went along with the stupid fear based decisions.
Normally when stuff like this pops up my mind tries to rationalize or think of ways to not feel the emotions. But I feel like I just have to go through this for the sake of my own emotional health. To basically say fuck you to anyone that thinks I have to change to fit some societal role.
When I finally made it home I wanted to finish up the track I was working on. So I started on that. But it wasn't working out and I got frustrated. I had this rage building inside of me. Just feeling completely sick of this routine, wasting my time doing shit I don't even care about. If I had less self control I swear I would have ended up smashing something or putting holes in my wall. The feelings were that bad.
This is what happens when you spend years going against what you really want and going down a path that isn't you. My denial has been so strong with regards to what I'm ok with. Basically the dam broke and I'm flooded right now with intense feelings of frustration and anger. There's absolutely no practical step by step thing here, it's just me releasing years of dissatisfaction. Just going most of my life feeling like everything is wrong and eventually get to a point where I just swallowed it and gave up. I thought I had to "mature". I just buried everything really and went along with the stupid fear based decisions.
Normally when stuff like this pops up my mind tries to rationalize or think of ways to not feel the emotions. But I feel like I just have to go through this for the sake of my own emotional health. To basically say fuck you to anyone that thinks I have to change to fit some societal role.
INFP
