02-17-2019, 05:22 PM
Back on LTU tonight. 3 day break wasnt too bad, but I also got sick so it was hard to tell what was what.
Went out to the city last night to hang with some friends. Alcohol was had, except for me. Just a few drinks, didn't care for them. Everyone else was hammered. It was fun. Usually when I'm hanging out with people I start feeling isolated, get stuck in my head a bit. Basically try a little too hard to fit in. But this night I just enjoyed the moment without expecting it to go a certain way, just letting it unfold.
Had a conversation with one of my friends while out. He recently had some of his art showing in an NYC gallery. Talked about his process, how much time he spends on his projects, just stuff like that. We both came to the agreement that dissatisfaction with your work is a good thing, but you have to take pride in every one of your creations as well. Made me realize I'm definitely too hard on myself and that it doesn't fuel my growth. My desire to be better will always be there, I don't have to beat myself up as a way to motivate myself. It's learning to disconnect the two, that fear that if I'm not whipping myself constantly I'll fall behind. So I keep engaging in toxic behavior that only hurts me. But I can have the desire for improvement without the negative aspects.
Just in general I'm glad I'm using LTU now. In all honesty looking at some of my thinking and patterns in my life I cause myself a lot more hardship. I make things harder for myself. And I guess that goes with self esteem really, you have to believe you're good enough in order to stop beating yourself up and being overly critical all the time. I could never stop being overly critical because in my mind I was just a fuck up and I didn't deserve it.
Went out to the city last night to hang with some friends. Alcohol was had, except for me. Just a few drinks, didn't care for them. Everyone else was hammered. It was fun. Usually when I'm hanging out with people I start feeling isolated, get stuck in my head a bit. Basically try a little too hard to fit in. But this night I just enjoyed the moment without expecting it to go a certain way, just letting it unfold.
Had a conversation with one of my friends while out. He recently had some of his art showing in an NYC gallery. Talked about his process, how much time he spends on his projects, just stuff like that. We both came to the agreement that dissatisfaction with your work is a good thing, but you have to take pride in every one of your creations as well. Made me realize I'm definitely too hard on myself and that it doesn't fuel my growth. My desire to be better will always be there, I don't have to beat myself up as a way to motivate myself. It's learning to disconnect the two, that fear that if I'm not whipping myself constantly I'll fall behind. So I keep engaging in toxic behavior that only hurts me. But I can have the desire for improvement without the negative aspects.
Just in general I'm glad I'm using LTU now. In all honesty looking at some of my thinking and patterns in my life I cause myself a lot more hardship. I make things harder for myself. And I guess that goes with self esteem really, you have to believe you're good enough in order to stop beating yourself up and being overly critical all the time. I could never stop being overly critical because in my mind I was just a fuck up and I didn't deserve it.
INFP
