01-30-2019, 05:34 PM
I'll try.
Well, as to removal, I was hoping maybe executing the script of DMSI would do it.
I mean, it's what FRM's been designed for, right? Apart from that, I don't know. Pushing through does not work in the long run. I could also do symbolic visualization, f. in. should I dream of something that could be interpreted as a representation of fear, I could imagine myself removing or destroying it. I find myself doing that from time to time, actually (squashing bugs, beating up a monstrous personification of the self, etc.).
As to what and how - hmm. What seems to be the issue for me personally is that somehow I have picked up something of an avoidant habit over the childhood years, and apparently have been trained to, above all else, avoid upsetting people, and should someone happen to become upset - avoid confrontation "to not make matters worse". So basically I've been trained to fear upsetting people, and have often been shamed or punished for standing up for myself. And, as we unfortunately all know, becoming extremely attractive sexually and/or successful, or heck, even simply healthy, tends to upset certain people to no end (in my line of work, with huge egos and the like, sometimes to an extent which verges on the criminal, lol).
Anyhow, when push comes to shove, I usually do stuff that upsets people anyway, and stand up for myself regardless of anything (especially when pushed), BUT - the very idea of having to this day in, day out, pretty much all the time, meeting with hostility etc... now THAT's demoralizing, and scary. Because I sometimes am just so fucking tired of having to fight all the time.
So, two solutions to this conundrum I can see: a) hoping, or perhaps doing something - but what? - that would cause people to smarten up and let me do my thing without trying to interfere, punish me, sabotage, etc., b) completely and utterly removing this "fear of upsetting others", which should pretty much solve it. Because, in the end, it's not *my* fault someone's upset with me, especially when I'm not doing anything actually harmful or mean.
Then, there's a weird little block which was related to (hyper)sexualization in clinical terms, so as per the APA:
a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or sexual behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others' sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.
And this resulted in something extremely loopy. Contradictory, even. On one level, it resulted in me really feeling like sexual attractiveness to others, and especially physical sexual attractiveness, and physical sexual prowess, is something that I really, really must be and have (in a neurotic way). On the other hand, a part of me really, really wanted to avoid *becoming* so, to avoid unpleasant scenarios, AS WELL AS scenarios in which the perceived sexual self-image (let's call it sexual ego) would become confronted with a reality that would belie it. But that, I think, has been dealt with somewhat by now, as far as I can tell from physical self-image changes I've been undergoing recently.
There's one more area where a block is apparent (and also somewhat in the "currently being taken care of" category), but I'm going to have to think on it a bit in order to express it.
Well, as to removal, I was hoping maybe executing the script of DMSI would do it.
I mean, it's what FRM's been designed for, right? Apart from that, I don't know. Pushing through does not work in the long run. I could also do symbolic visualization, f. in. should I dream of something that could be interpreted as a representation of fear, I could imagine myself removing or destroying it. I find myself doing that from time to time, actually (squashing bugs, beating up a monstrous personification of the self, etc.).As to what and how - hmm. What seems to be the issue for me personally is that somehow I have picked up something of an avoidant habit over the childhood years, and apparently have been trained to, above all else, avoid upsetting people, and should someone happen to become upset - avoid confrontation "to not make matters worse". So basically I've been trained to fear upsetting people, and have often been shamed or punished for standing up for myself. And, as we unfortunately all know, becoming extremely attractive sexually and/or successful, or heck, even simply healthy, tends to upset certain people to no end (in my line of work, with huge egos and the like, sometimes to an extent which verges on the criminal, lol).
Anyhow, when push comes to shove, I usually do stuff that upsets people anyway, and stand up for myself regardless of anything (especially when pushed), BUT - the very idea of having to this day in, day out, pretty much all the time, meeting with hostility etc... now THAT's demoralizing, and scary. Because I sometimes am just so fucking tired of having to fight all the time.
So, two solutions to this conundrum I can see: a) hoping, or perhaps doing something - but what? - that would cause people to smarten up and let me do my thing without trying to interfere, punish me, sabotage, etc., b) completely and utterly removing this "fear of upsetting others", which should pretty much solve it. Because, in the end, it's not *my* fault someone's upset with me, especially when I'm not doing anything actually harmful or mean.
Then, there's a weird little block which was related to (hyper)sexualization in clinical terms, so as per the APA:
a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or sexual behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others' sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.
And this resulted in something extremely loopy. Contradictory, even. On one level, it resulted in me really feeling like sexual attractiveness to others, and especially physical sexual attractiveness, and physical sexual prowess, is something that I really, really must be and have (in a neurotic way). On the other hand, a part of me really, really wanted to avoid *becoming* so, to avoid unpleasant scenarios, AS WELL AS scenarios in which the perceived sexual self-image (let's call it sexual ego) would become confronted with a reality that would belie it. But that, I think, has been dealt with somewhat by now, as far as I can tell from physical self-image changes I've been undergoing recently.
There's one more area where a block is apparent (and also somewhat in the "currently being taken care of" category), but I'm going to have to think on it a bit in order to express it.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
