01-20-2019, 10:44 AM
My dad felt a bit sick today so it was just me and my mother having dinner. It was a total silent dinner. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything to her, first of all it always feels like she just don't get me, like she always interpret everything I say in a bad way, and I just didn't had the energy for that shit. I was just silent. And that should be OK to be, according to me. You don't always have to talk. She was super uncomfortable, I could see, but I kept telling myself that it's not my responsiblity to make her comfortable. I can't engage in that anymore. I don't have the energy for it, it's not my thing to handle. She need to learn to deal with her own stuff. It was weird, but it somewhat felt like the thing I needed to do. She is talking shitty towards me sometimes during the day, screaming and craving attention and this felt like my way of telling her that is not OK, because she don't understand when I say it to her at the time that she does it (screams or talk down). It just felt like the right thing to do, I couldn't really pull myself to do anything else and talk about nonsense, I just couldn't. Is this a work of E2? I kept thinking that a lot of my conversations with her stem from guilt in trying to make her feel good, and maybe this is a turning point where I stop listen to that guilt and start listening to my own real emotions?
