01-13-2019, 08:46 AM
Finally it have started to happen. The fear that have been controlling me so deeply is starting to dissolve. I am starting to become aware of that I can act independently from other people, not needing to take their needs into consideration. What held me in place before was the fear of their reaction if I didn’t gave them attention, and I know that some people have used my fear of conflict to their advantage. And I also know that it stems from my interactions with my mom during my upbrining. She is that way. If she don’t get your attention she get upset. And for anyone else, who isn’t her son, that isn’t a big deal. Then she is just an upset woman, but for me that reaction is, or at least have been, hard coded into my behavior. I have been on edge, looking for signs that someone is going to be upset, and changed my behavior according to this, beating around the bush. But now, I have a ”place” to be, where I don’t need to be on guard all the time, but can relax into my own body and consciousness, creating a distance to other people. This wasn’t an option before. It’s probably something that you could plot on a PTSD-scale, same with people who have a hard time being around crowds. It’s all fear, and fear put a block between you and the safe place that is always there inside of you. That place that other people may take for granted, their original place of ”being”, for us not having this place, life is a constant battle, being constantly on your feet around other people. I’m so damn happy to know that this place actually exist in me as well, and isn’t just something that other people can do, as I have thought before. Fear have always limited me in life, and I am finally starting to get some hope that I will overcome it.
I am reading a book called ”Stop walking on eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” and I am now more than sure that my mom actually has BPD. What I gained from the book was the understanding that people with BPD are unable to deal with their own painful emotions, and many of their interactions with people i about avoiding these emotions. So when my mom craves my attention and response to her behavior is a refuge to not having to deal with that she is alone with her emotions (as everyone is), and when she don’t get that constant comfort from other people she get upset and use manipulation techniques to get what she want. She has used fear on me (among other things) but that is what I’m finally geting around. I’m starting to be able to understand that her behavior isn’t actually something to get upset about, but it’s a disease, not saying that everything should be accepted, but I am getting more clear about stuff. And I am getting clear on the most important thing right now, how to protect myself, and overcome my own justifications to get pushed down by her manipulative techniques and get a sense that I need to take care of myself first without feeling guilty or fearful about it.
I started to think that E2 is actually helping me, you can see that I am a bit sceptical when I have run it for more than 7 months, but I guess this is a healthy sceptisism. Anyway, I though about that I actually think that I will run E2 for longer than I have thought. I have no stress that I need to change to some other sub to achieve something, but I know that I need to do my healing right and all the way before switching to something else. E2 is exactly what I need right now, and having this knowledge or what you can call it, feels great I tell you. I am however looking forward to E3 and to try out the FRM which I have read many good thing about and I expect that it probably could help me even more efficiently with my problems surrounding fear.
EDIT:
I reflected some on how I felt like a child, and my dad was really my safe haven, I had anxiety and worried a lot, more than normal kids i guess, that something would happen to him. He was my damn everything, and still is. I hope and try working on myself to keep this, but also grow my own independence which will be important for my emotional health for the rest of my life. I’m really starting to realize how precious life is again!
I am also starting to think about running AM6 in the future. Maybe in 6 months, hard to say when, but i’ll know when I be ready then. I ran AM6 before, but it wasn’t what I needed at that time. I was to unstable at the time, and when the program was ment to create ”calculated imbalances” (I think that’s the phrasing from the product page), that actually set me way out of balance. I look back on how I ran the program with unrealistic expectations, I wasn’t grounded in reality but thought that the program would work as magic, and I tried to use it that way. It didn’t work, it acutally hurt me (and I know this is my fault, not the programs). I was unwise and shouldn’t made the decision to run the program at that time, but done is done, and the only thing to do is to learn from your mistake and not repeat them. I now practise grounding every day, running root chakra meditation meditation morning and evening and I am starting to become more and more grounded in reality and my body. I haven’t been grounded for my whole life, so this is something new, the stability that you can get from being in contact with your body. Anyway, AM6 really is interesting from a self-development perspective and I am inclined to do it in the future when my healing is done.
I am reading a book called ”Stop walking on eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” and I am now more than sure that my mom actually has BPD. What I gained from the book was the understanding that people with BPD are unable to deal with their own painful emotions, and many of their interactions with people i about avoiding these emotions. So when my mom craves my attention and response to her behavior is a refuge to not having to deal with that she is alone with her emotions (as everyone is), and when she don’t get that constant comfort from other people she get upset and use manipulation techniques to get what she want. She has used fear on me (among other things) but that is what I’m finally geting around. I’m starting to be able to understand that her behavior isn’t actually something to get upset about, but it’s a disease, not saying that everything should be accepted, but I am getting more clear about stuff. And I am getting clear on the most important thing right now, how to protect myself, and overcome my own justifications to get pushed down by her manipulative techniques and get a sense that I need to take care of myself first without feeling guilty or fearful about it.
I started to think that E2 is actually helping me, you can see that I am a bit sceptical when I have run it for more than 7 months, but I guess this is a healthy sceptisism. Anyway, I though about that I actually think that I will run E2 for longer than I have thought. I have no stress that I need to change to some other sub to achieve something, but I know that I need to do my healing right and all the way before switching to something else. E2 is exactly what I need right now, and having this knowledge or what you can call it, feels great I tell you. I am however looking forward to E3 and to try out the FRM which I have read many good thing about and I expect that it probably could help me even more efficiently with my problems surrounding fear.
EDIT:
I reflected some on how I felt like a child, and my dad was really my safe haven, I had anxiety and worried a lot, more than normal kids i guess, that something would happen to him. He was my damn everything, and still is. I hope and try working on myself to keep this, but also grow my own independence which will be important for my emotional health for the rest of my life. I’m really starting to realize how precious life is again!
I am also starting to think about running AM6 in the future. Maybe in 6 months, hard to say when, but i’ll know when I be ready then. I ran AM6 before, but it wasn’t what I needed at that time. I was to unstable at the time, and when the program was ment to create ”calculated imbalances” (I think that’s the phrasing from the product page), that actually set me way out of balance. I look back on how I ran the program with unrealistic expectations, I wasn’t grounded in reality but thought that the program would work as magic, and I tried to use it that way. It didn’t work, it acutally hurt me (and I know this is my fault, not the programs). I was unwise and shouldn’t made the decision to run the program at that time, but done is done, and the only thing to do is to learn from your mistake and not repeat them. I now practise grounding every day, running root chakra meditation meditation morning and evening and I am starting to become more and more grounded in reality and my body. I haven’t been grounded for my whole life, so this is something new, the stability that you can get from being in contact with your body. Anyway, AM6 really is interesting from a self-development perspective and I am inclined to do it in the future when my healing is done.
