E2 after E1 (100 days)

[Greenduck]

Day 73

E2 has been doing good things since the last update. Definitely working through some trauma and the subsequent distorted self-beliefs. Today I was thinking about how mistreated I was as a kid when I was about 10 years old, I was hanging out with 14-15-year-olds at the time and they treated me badly with beatings and generally being cunts to me. It made me kind of angry when I thought about it and I remembered one guy in particular who was a real *****. I thought how nice it would be to find him now and beat the **** out of him, but the more I thought about it, I began to considered what his circumstances may have been at the time to be that way and what type of pain he had been through. That made me think it's probably best to accept things as they were and let it go with forgiveness. Sometimes I worry that during these years something worse happened in a sexual way but I can't remember anything like that, but it scares me that I have this fear come up from time to time. Surely I'd remember something like that though.

Last night I had some memorable dreams. I had a hard time getting along with girls in my early school years. Don't know why but it probably had something to do with my parents having an abusive relationship. But I got shit on a few times and I think it cemented some negative self-beliefs. Last night I kept dreaming of myself in an uncomfortable situation and I had all these women approach me and talk down to me like I was trash, and although they were women, I could tell when I woke up that it was somehow related to this early childhood experiences. No idea how to explain it but I enjoyed the dream, each time they talked shit to me, I was completely unfazed, almost amused by their filthy looks and what they were saying because I knew it was all ***** and I didn't believe it.

Interesting with someone else also running E2.

I can relate to the anger. I have had burst of anger that I really have had to release in some way (often with going to the gym and hitting a punching bag). I can recommend it. Anger have been a great catalyst for my healing and I don't always think it's the right way to "forgive and forget". Anger can strengthen you if used in a constructive manner (not going out beating the shit of someone else, but feel what your body want to do and help it release it).