Interesting thing. I'm realizing that I have gone through my life with a deep seated belief that it's not safe to love myself. That's sound so f*cked up when you say it out loud but that's really how it feels. I'm starting to challenging this, and as with all fears, it's pretty scary, but I'm doing it and with some work I'm confident I will overcome it.
I thought a bit on why I have this fear, and in a classic freudian psychoanalytic perspective, it stems from my relationship to my mom. My mom is a narcissist at her roots, using the word in a lack of a better descriptive term. But summarized she is terrified of herself, and using other people's energy to sustain her self image and sense of safety by destabilizing them. What I believe, is that she didn't supported my to love myself, because of her fear of being left alone, and thus making me create walls around myself to hinder my independence and fostering a life-long dependence on her. It's a purely selfish way of raising your kid, and it's done very subtly, but it's still there. No one outside, if not being a psychologist would probably notice this pattern. Heck, I didn't even did. I think that my daily meditation combined with E2 have helped me to understand and start to process this. I am really looking forward to finding my own sense of security and love inside, and feel that life can be safe to express my self love.
I thought a bit on why I have this fear, and in a classic freudian psychoanalytic perspective, it stems from my relationship to my mom. My mom is a narcissist at her roots, using the word in a lack of a better descriptive term. But summarized she is terrified of herself, and using other people's energy to sustain her self image and sense of safety by destabilizing them. What I believe, is that she didn't supported my to love myself, because of her fear of being left alone, and thus making me create walls around myself to hinder my independence and fostering a life-long dependence on her. It's a purely selfish way of raising your kid, and it's done very subtly, but it's still there. No one outside, if not being a psychologist would probably notice this pattern. Heck, I didn't even did. I think that my daily meditation combined with E2 have helped me to understand and start to process this. I am really looking forward to finding my own sense of security and love inside, and feel that life can be safe to express my self love.
