I've had some insights that stems from an increased self-esteem and decreased levels of guilt (and fear I guess).
My mother often talk about that you (me) should show more empathy towards other people. And previously I have somewhat thought that she was right, saying that I didn't show her enough caring and empathy. But as my feelings of guilt decrease (I can still feel them writing this) I realize that my empathy is conditional. I'm not forced to be empathic towards her, and I have previously felt exactly this. Because if I didn't she would get all upset about that "she does everything, yadayada" and go full throttle on the victim mentality. Because she know that would work on me. Bottom line was that I had no personal power on how to act in my day to day. I had to adjust myself to her, not to make her upset, guided by feelings of guilt. That is fading now. And I'm realizing she act as a text-book narcissist, that need other people to give her energy and attention to her world view of being a victim, because she is afraid of taking the consequenses of taking responsibility for her own life and her emotional well-being.
Like when I have talked to her before, I have always felt like somewhat a looser. Someone who actually should feel guilty because he was flawed. But as this feeling of guilt starting to crawl back and somewhat, I think self-esteem, is taking it's place (I'm really not familiar with this feeling) I feel less affected by her, and have more power on how I think of myself and thus on how I can act and be. This feel really substantial and ground-breaking in some way. My interactions with an old friend have also started to change, as I'm not so much dependent on his view of me, but am slowly starting to define myself and how I want to be seen by others.
7 months E2 yesterday. I will keep on going with it until E3 comes out, and will probably go on with E3 after that. This things are deeply located within me and need to be fully overcome.
And yeah, the last day was the first day that I pretty much felt alright. Just normal. Content. Relaxed. Not worried and anxious about everything, stuff. I'm getting more proactive, engaged, have easier to laugh. Up, up and AWAY.
My mother often talk about that you (me) should show more empathy towards other people. And previously I have somewhat thought that she was right, saying that I didn't show her enough caring and empathy. But as my feelings of guilt decrease (I can still feel them writing this) I realize that my empathy is conditional. I'm not forced to be empathic towards her, and I have previously felt exactly this. Because if I didn't she would get all upset about that "she does everything, yadayada" and go full throttle on the victim mentality. Because she know that would work on me. Bottom line was that I had no personal power on how to act in my day to day. I had to adjust myself to her, not to make her upset, guided by feelings of guilt. That is fading now. And I'm realizing she act as a text-book narcissist, that need other people to give her energy and attention to her world view of being a victim, because she is afraid of taking the consequenses of taking responsibility for her own life and her emotional well-being.
Like when I have talked to her before, I have always felt like somewhat a looser. Someone who actually should feel guilty because he was flawed. But as this feeling of guilt starting to crawl back and somewhat, I think self-esteem, is taking it's place (I'm really not familiar with this feeling) I feel less affected by her, and have more power on how I think of myself and thus on how I can act and be. This feel really substantial and ground-breaking in some way. My interactions with an old friend have also started to change, as I'm not so much dependent on his view of me, but am slowly starting to define myself and how I want to be seen by others.
7 months E2 yesterday. I will keep on going with it until E3 comes out, and will probably go on with E3 after that. This things are deeply located within me and need to be fully overcome.
And yeah, the last day was the first day that I pretty much felt alright. Just normal. Content. Relaxed. Not worried and anxious about everything, stuff. I'm getting more proactive, engaged, have easier to laugh. Up, up and AWAY.
