11-18-2018, 01:18 PM
I am less affected by my mother, which is really my main problem as I am living at home. I have underestimated the problem she has, and probably the effects that her behavior have had on me. I'm pretty sure that the depression I have gone through have been a cause of the relationship with her (or the lack of relationship with her more precisely).
The narcissistic traits fit well into her, as I am able to see through her behavior and not just get sucked into the guilty feeling of being the person that she want me to be. She is unable to tolerate when my dad and I have a good moment together at dinner and having a laugh, she is unable to relate to something that you are saying, always jumping in with "what she thinks about it", you can't really have some kind of understanding with each other, and you can't really be intimate with her as you can be with a parent, and feel a connection with her, it's just feels wrong (I have gone against my instincts and tried), she is like a bottomless well and trying to satisfy her needs is a BIG NO, I have come to realize, because she will suck the living energy out of you.
Me having problems with setting boundaries (being able to say no in any way) have made it really hard to distance myself from her energy-sucking behavior, but as I am starting to be able to do so, I feel I can hold my energy and life-force inside of me.
I have though that this was just a "problematic mother-son relationship" but no I am, almost fully certain, that she really is suffering from narcissism, and that it's not MY FAULT. I have gone so long and feeling like it's my fault, it's my responsibility. And I have had such a hard time to describe it to anyone else. But now I am starting to see it more and more clear, I am not faulty as a human being, because that is really how I have felt, or how she have made me feel by constantly being unable to give something, but only take and not showing me any kind of love back. I have NEVER felt loved by her. I have felt loved by my dad, but by her, never, it's like she is never satisfied and can just like someone, if she gets the chance, she will try to steer it into a way that you need to do something to be looked as OK. That is what I am breaking loose from. Around her I have felt like I need to satisfy her needs in some way (impossible as she always is upset about something) and that shit sucks the soul out of you.
I have felt so frustrated about this thing, because I didn't understood what happened when I was around her, but things are slowly starting to become clearer and I am growing some kind of strenght and boundarie-setting ability inside of myself. Feel good.
The narcissistic traits fit well into her, as I am able to see through her behavior and not just get sucked into the guilty feeling of being the person that she want me to be. She is unable to tolerate when my dad and I have a good moment together at dinner and having a laugh, she is unable to relate to something that you are saying, always jumping in with "what she thinks about it", you can't really have some kind of understanding with each other, and you can't really be intimate with her as you can be with a parent, and feel a connection with her, it's just feels wrong (I have gone against my instincts and tried), she is like a bottomless well and trying to satisfy her needs is a BIG NO, I have come to realize, because she will suck the living energy out of you.
Me having problems with setting boundaries (being able to say no in any way) have made it really hard to distance myself from her energy-sucking behavior, but as I am starting to be able to do so, I feel I can hold my energy and life-force inside of me.
I have though that this was just a "problematic mother-son relationship" but no I am, almost fully certain, that she really is suffering from narcissism, and that it's not MY FAULT. I have gone so long and feeling like it's my fault, it's my responsibility. And I have had such a hard time to describe it to anyone else. But now I am starting to see it more and more clear, I am not faulty as a human being, because that is really how I have felt, or how she have made me feel by constantly being unable to give something, but only take and not showing me any kind of love back. I have NEVER felt loved by her. I have felt loved by my dad, but by her, never, it's like she is never satisfied and can just like someone, if she gets the chance, she will try to steer it into a way that you need to do something to be looked as OK. That is what I am breaking loose from. Around her I have felt like I need to satisfy her needs in some way (impossible as she always is upset about something) and that shit sucks the soul out of you.
I have felt so frustrated about this thing, because I didn't understood what happened when I was around her, but things are slowly starting to become clearer and I am growing some kind of strenght and boundarie-setting ability inside of myself. Feel good.
