Today was weird. I feel on the verge of a breakdown. Nothing makes sense. It is resistance but feels very influencing, like going inward and f#ck all. In a way im feeling like its TID FRM. also it easy to to feel im running us/lm and with that comes the oscar vibe of succes.. Places of girls, cinema counter girls. Loaded and lined up on girls.
Today at work I had moments of watching myself in 3rd person. Like observing. Getting self consciousness. Also its like I had 0 game. And it made me act and feel awkward. I was confident yet not? Comfortable around the 16 y/o, got both M and G engaged attentionwise. I have possible insights as to what and why she triggered me that way without her doing anything. Like my teenage years, beauty of girls, and the fuckedupness of it. Something has happened aswell as other wounds to heal. Being honest with this is potentional very very huge. Deeper attraction switches perhaps and social insight its still a re-occuring pattern. I really want some clarity on this from myself and all else. The whole feeling limited/awkward, and socially inept was there. It also stems from hopelessness, powerlessness, confusion, and with an huge mental gap between were I want to be and where I am now. Like it became very far away in terms of it being possible.I also had fear yesterday around beliefs create your reality. If all is made up of it, what about me? I?
Anyway, with G, I felt beta, inept, weirded out. Not needy but pre-subs even when I had some sort of breakdown. It was the total opposite of my natural, seductive, playfull idgaf vibe.
Now im depressed and its breakday tomorrow yet had my loops in this morning. Emotion is to be released, its bubbling right beneath the surface. I want to get angry, which is better then feeling powerlessness, hopelessness, victim limbo state.
Edit: so now im realizing im able to learn more and learn how to deal with "random" women popping up right from the get go. And this is "right in your face" kind off stuff. I am forged in the fires of adversary. And im very positive over it while I dont have to do anything, just follow the instructions.
Trust and fear. Both are dealth with. It all comes down to fear.
Edit2: im ditching habits that are indulged in while it comes down to me dealing with it head on. No walking away. I already got the better outlook. Like breaking habits such as pmo and literally knowing the alternative is better ( fucking girls and growing in your sexlife, fucking girls instead of jerking off, and knowing that fucking gives more growth and development as a person ) the choice is so easy to make without any guilt feeling, im behind it 100%.
Today at work I had moments of watching myself in 3rd person. Like observing. Getting self consciousness. Also its like I had 0 game. And it made me act and feel awkward. I was confident yet not? Comfortable around the 16 y/o, got both M and G engaged attentionwise. I have possible insights as to what and why she triggered me that way without her doing anything. Like my teenage years, beauty of girls, and the fuckedupness of it. Something has happened aswell as other wounds to heal. Being honest with this is potentional very very huge. Deeper attraction switches perhaps and social insight its still a re-occuring pattern. I really want some clarity on this from myself and all else. The whole feeling limited/awkward, and socially inept was there. It also stems from hopelessness, powerlessness, confusion, and with an huge mental gap between were I want to be and where I am now. Like it became very far away in terms of it being possible.I also had fear yesterday around beliefs create your reality. If all is made up of it, what about me? I?
Anyway, with G, I felt beta, inept, weirded out. Not needy but pre-subs even when I had some sort of breakdown. It was the total opposite of my natural, seductive, playfull idgaf vibe.
Now im depressed and its breakday tomorrow yet had my loops in this morning. Emotion is to be released, its bubbling right beneath the surface. I want to get angry, which is better then feeling powerlessness, hopelessness, victim limbo state.
Edit: so now im realizing im able to learn more and learn how to deal with "random" women popping up right from the get go. And this is "right in your face" kind off stuff. I am forged in the fires of adversary. And im very positive over it while I dont have to do anything, just follow the instructions.
Trust and fear. Both are dealth with. It all comes down to fear.
Edit2: im ditching habits that are indulged in while it comes down to me dealing with it head on. No walking away. I already got the better outlook. Like breaking habits such as pmo and literally knowing the alternative is better ( fucking girls and growing in your sexlife, fucking girls instead of jerking off, and knowing that fucking gives more growth and development as a person ) the choice is so easy to make without any guilt feeling, im behind it 100%.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. - epictetus
