10-22-2018, 03:43 PM
Either E2 is doing a really good job or I'm getting the effects of the FRM module in 3.3. Either way things feel like they are looking up. This might get long, it's one of my stream of consciousness type posts.
For as long as I can remember fear has been a part of my life. As a kid, its invisible. The adults I interacted with all the time didn't get it. This assumption that I'd grow out of it or that I just needed to be exposed more. Pushed outside my comfort zone. The message I felt I got was "it's not a big deal, why is this so hard for you?" That's been my entire life, no exaggeration. Just fighting all the time, pushing, battling this fear. Even when I did face it, sometimes it just felt like exposing myself to unneeded stress for no real gain. There was such a fundamental misunderstanding of what I struggled with as a kid and it just grew into something uglier as I reached adulthood. It was never a matter of needing to be pushed more or to keep facing my fears. If you face your fear, just get more afraid, then leave that experience being afraid of it happening again you haven't overcome anything. You've just conditioned yourself to experience more fear.
These past two days I feel like I'm being shown an alternative. One where I don't face or fight fear, fear is just something that's in the way and can be removed. Not struggling to move past it or battle with it. I can't emphasize enough how strong of a reality that was for me. Literally everything I did was overshadowed by this fearful feeling. You absolutely can do things in spite of fear, but it sucks. It's draining, it's harder than it needs to be, and it just makes life in general absolutely miserable. It just puts you into this survival mentality where you're constantly on edge, being afraid of stuff in the future that may not even happen.
The funny thing is I couldn't even imagine what living without fear would be like. Even when I thought of overcoming it completely, it was still from this perspective of having it be a battle. Like keeping it at bay or being stronger than it. A lot of tension in my body, a sort of alert feeling. But now I'm getting these moments of calm where it feels like it's not a big deal. Even if I have problems, unknown stuff, unsure direction, it doesn't put me into that tailspin panicked feeling like my life is never going to get better.
For as long as I can remember fear has been a part of my life. As a kid, its invisible. The adults I interacted with all the time didn't get it. This assumption that I'd grow out of it or that I just needed to be exposed more. Pushed outside my comfort zone. The message I felt I got was "it's not a big deal, why is this so hard for you?" That's been my entire life, no exaggeration. Just fighting all the time, pushing, battling this fear. Even when I did face it, sometimes it just felt like exposing myself to unneeded stress for no real gain. There was such a fundamental misunderstanding of what I struggled with as a kid and it just grew into something uglier as I reached adulthood. It was never a matter of needing to be pushed more or to keep facing my fears. If you face your fear, just get more afraid, then leave that experience being afraid of it happening again you haven't overcome anything. You've just conditioned yourself to experience more fear.
These past two days I feel like I'm being shown an alternative. One where I don't face or fight fear, fear is just something that's in the way and can be removed. Not struggling to move past it or battle with it. I can't emphasize enough how strong of a reality that was for me. Literally everything I did was overshadowed by this fearful feeling. You absolutely can do things in spite of fear, but it sucks. It's draining, it's harder than it needs to be, and it just makes life in general absolutely miserable. It just puts you into this survival mentality where you're constantly on edge, being afraid of stuff in the future that may not even happen.
The funny thing is I couldn't even imagine what living without fear would be like. Even when I thought of overcoming it completely, it was still from this perspective of having it be a battle. Like keeping it at bay or being stronger than it. A lot of tension in my body, a sort of alert feeling. But now I'm getting these moments of calm where it feels like it's not a big deal. Even if I have problems, unknown stuff, unsure direction, it doesn't put me into that tailspin panicked feeling like my life is never going to get better.
INFP
