10-13-2018, 08:55 AM
Well after that post I feel like I'm on the verge of some emotional release. I'm basically listening to E2 as much as possible throughout the day since I don't have to keep it to consistent loops like DMSI in one chunk.
Anyway I just realized I'm super overwhelmed and I've been ignoring it. Just trying to soldier my way through it. One part of me wants to keep moving forward and another part just wants to break down and cry with how confused, lost, and stuck I feel. I honestly think that my relationship with my emotional health is terrible. For whatever reason at a young age I just started bottling everything up, I convinced myself nobody cared about what I had to say or what I felt. And that grew over the years. It got to the point where I had no concept of who I was because I just stopped expressing myself in any way except for the closest people. Where most people are more like a steady stream of expressing themselves, feeling what they feel, etc. mine was more like short bursts and then 90% of the time just shutting down.
The tricky part to healing all this has always been being able to acknowledge what I struggle with without being dismissive. But I pretty much made a habit out of dismissing anything I felt in favor of not disappointing other people.
For as long as I can remember when interacting with anyone it's always felt like why bother. I could say this or say that, but none of it matters. So for a while I was damn near mute. There was no flow to conversations because there was always that underlying insecurity.
A lot of this is still just buried. A lot of it I just felt I could think my way out of. But the problem is still my lack of emotional honesty and just being able to allow myself to feel things. It's always a thought like "Oh this old shit again? Aren't you over this yet? Stop wallowing in it".
But if I'm listening to E2 right now and all these emotions are coming up to be processed, that leads me to believe I just got really good at wearing a mask all the time. Hiding this stuff even from myself. Maybe not hiding, maybe more like denial. That thought that says "No that's not me, I don't really struggle with any of that". That desire to be perceived as a perfectly put together person vs an insecure vulnerable and emotionally hurting person.
I've never been a rational person. I've always been jerked around by my feelings. I can't logic my way out of them with critical thinking. I feel what I feel, strongly and at times it's overwhelming. It's always been like that for me. I tried to change it for so long and it only caused more issues because now I had two problems. 1. Poorly executed attempts to logically convince myself why I shouldn't feel a certain way that didn't work and 2. Repressed emotional issues and the constant criticsm that I can't be less sensitive like everyone else around me. Through all this I'm starting to realize the problems aren't my reactions, it's the old beliefs and behaviors tied to these certain triggers that cause me to behave in irrational and self defeating ways.
Anyway I just realized I'm super overwhelmed and I've been ignoring it. Just trying to soldier my way through it. One part of me wants to keep moving forward and another part just wants to break down and cry with how confused, lost, and stuck I feel. I honestly think that my relationship with my emotional health is terrible. For whatever reason at a young age I just started bottling everything up, I convinced myself nobody cared about what I had to say or what I felt. And that grew over the years. It got to the point where I had no concept of who I was because I just stopped expressing myself in any way except for the closest people. Where most people are more like a steady stream of expressing themselves, feeling what they feel, etc. mine was more like short bursts and then 90% of the time just shutting down.
The tricky part to healing all this has always been being able to acknowledge what I struggle with without being dismissive. But I pretty much made a habit out of dismissing anything I felt in favor of not disappointing other people.
For as long as I can remember when interacting with anyone it's always felt like why bother. I could say this or say that, but none of it matters. So for a while I was damn near mute. There was no flow to conversations because there was always that underlying insecurity.
A lot of this is still just buried. A lot of it I just felt I could think my way out of. But the problem is still my lack of emotional honesty and just being able to allow myself to feel things. It's always a thought like "Oh this old shit again? Aren't you over this yet? Stop wallowing in it".
But if I'm listening to E2 right now and all these emotions are coming up to be processed, that leads me to believe I just got really good at wearing a mask all the time. Hiding this stuff even from myself. Maybe not hiding, maybe more like denial. That thought that says "No that's not me, I don't really struggle with any of that". That desire to be perceived as a perfectly put together person vs an insecure vulnerable and emotionally hurting person.
I've never been a rational person. I've always been jerked around by my feelings. I can't logic my way out of them with critical thinking. I feel what I feel, strongly and at times it's overwhelming. It's always been like that for me. I tried to change it for so long and it only caused more issues because now I had two problems. 1. Poorly executed attempts to logically convince myself why I shouldn't feel a certain way that didn't work and 2. Repressed emotional issues and the constant criticsm that I can't be less sensitive like everyone else around me. Through all this I'm starting to realize the problems aren't my reactions, it's the old beliefs and behaviors tied to these certain triggers that cause me to behave in irrational and self defeating ways.
INFP
