10-12-2018, 03:50 AM
Well one night of E2 and I feel like I'm seeing how much pressure I put on myself for everything. Dmsi, my job, my music, my life in general. Too many demands and not enough time giving myself what I need vs what I think I'm expected to do in this world. That constant fear that times running out and I need to scramble and force myself through everything even if I feel low, depressed, or unwell. It's not healthy, it's not productive, and the irony is the more I stay in that state the less I actually get done because the high anxiety of it all makes me procrastinate.
It used to make me angry at the world. As if I was being forced to go along with all this, but the reality is I did it to myself. I'm free to choose how I want to live my life, I don't have to follow everyone else.
I worked on some music last night and instead of focusing on making it good, I just did what I felt. Then I realized my overly critical nature killed my creativity. My perfectionism made me throw out anything that wasn't top quality. But I slowly realized yesterday there's so much subjectivity to music. I've been waiting for it to sound "right" when in reality it's just me being insecure about how I want to express myself in my music. Instead of having fun creating, I've always been plagued with the thought "is this good enough?"
It used to make me angry at the world. As if I was being forced to go along with all this, but the reality is I did it to myself. I'm free to choose how I want to live my life, I don't have to follow everyone else.
I worked on some music last night and instead of focusing on making it good, I just did what I felt. Then I realized my overly critical nature killed my creativity. My perfectionism made me throw out anything that wasn't top quality. But I slowly realized yesterday there's so much subjectivity to music. I've been waiting for it to sound "right" when in reality it's just me being insecure about how I want to express myself in my music. Instead of having fun creating, I've always been plagued with the thought "is this good enough?"
INFP
