09-29-2018, 07:58 AM
Finally back home. But I legit had a panic attack on the plane ride home. Instead of going on my laptop or phone, I just sat there for 4 hours intent on figuring out WHY it's been so hard for me to stay consistent with DMSI. But this past week flooded over me and I just had this crippling feeling of "I can't do this, I need to get out of here". Of course I was on a plane, with nowhere to go, still left with 2 hours on my flight and I just fucking lost it. I'm still trying to determine if this was a result of way too much stimulus over a week or if I was overloaded by other people's energies on the plane. I don't like crowded places. I was trying to relax, but I couldn't because I felt on edge. It's a terrible feeling when you're tired and want to sleep, but at the same time you're in on guard mode and your body won't quiet down.
All in all my trip out to California was incredibly draining. By the time I reached friday I was so done. I don't particularly like how I tend to respond to new situations and environments, but I've gotten past these hurdles by listening to my body and not pushing myself beyond my means.
The whole situation felt like adult me piloting my body, but kid me being incredibly freaked out about everything. Driving places I don't know, figuring out how to rent a car, getting to flights on time ,etc. I don't know, are most people relaxed about this stuff? It was just all that on top of fixing issues that had occurred with this other company, the jet lag, the cold I picked up, god it just feels like my nervous system is fried.
And the icing on the cake, I just had such an identity crisis. I see people walking around having this sort of grounded understanding of who they are. This sort of self concept of "I", from what they wear, how they act, what interests they have, etc. But I feel like I don't really have that. I don't know if that's a bad thing or if it's who I am. To relate with others you kind of have to have that right? Otherwise you're a sort of drifting body or consciousness that slips in and out of people's lives with no real impact. Like a ghost. I mean, I do it to myself. It's probably some fear. There's probably a core sort of being inside myself, but I don't share it with the world. Maybe I just explore it through my music only.
That's about it. It's been a rough week for me.
All in all my trip out to California was incredibly draining. By the time I reached friday I was so done. I don't particularly like how I tend to respond to new situations and environments, but I've gotten past these hurdles by listening to my body and not pushing myself beyond my means.
The whole situation felt like adult me piloting my body, but kid me being incredibly freaked out about everything. Driving places I don't know, figuring out how to rent a car, getting to flights on time ,etc. I don't know, are most people relaxed about this stuff? It was just all that on top of fixing issues that had occurred with this other company, the jet lag, the cold I picked up, god it just feels like my nervous system is fried.
And the icing on the cake, I just had such an identity crisis. I see people walking around having this sort of grounded understanding of who they are. This sort of self concept of "I", from what they wear, how they act, what interests they have, etc. But I feel like I don't really have that. I don't know if that's a bad thing or if it's who I am. To relate with others you kind of have to have that right? Otherwise you're a sort of drifting body or consciousness that slips in and out of people's lives with no real impact. Like a ghost. I mean, I do it to myself. It's probably some fear. There's probably a core sort of being inside myself, but I don't share it with the world. Maybe I just explore it through my music only.
That's about it. It's been a rough week for me.
INFP
