09-09-2018, 06:18 PM
So I started playing this game called Hellblade. I'm trying to get back into video games. Just chilling out and enjoying myself. I love music, but I've burned myself out these past few months. Too much focus on being good, comparing myself. I thought if I just kept pushing and pushing I'd move forward. But it's a lot like these subliminals. There are limits to how far I can go before I just start beating myself up for not progressing enough. I guess a strength of mine is I'm very persistent, but my biggest weakness is not giving myself space to relax and also having fears about not reaching goals. Those two combined tend to cause me to push myself beyond my limits and not take the time to take care of myself.
Anyway the game is very emotionally heavy for me. It just made me think of my own darkness I had to fight to get out of for a lot of my life. I want to say I'm past it, but I don't think I am. But lately I feel like it's more important for me to acknowledge the depths of it and move past it vs trying to maintain this image of everything being perfect. At a certain point it became more important for me to appear I was better vs actually being better. I was more likely to repress things if it gave me the immediate gratification of appearing to be moving past the emotional things vs giving myself the time and understanding to work through these things and truly move past them. In a way the fear caused me to construct a fake image of myself and it was this outward presentation that was more important than how I truly felt inside. And a lot of this fear stems from shame and what I've been through and continue to go through. But I'm learning to stop being ashamed and stop caring what others think about me.
Anyway the game is very emotionally heavy for me. It just made me think of my own darkness I had to fight to get out of for a lot of my life. I want to say I'm past it, but I don't think I am. But lately I feel like it's more important for me to acknowledge the depths of it and move past it vs trying to maintain this image of everything being perfect. At a certain point it became more important for me to appear I was better vs actually being better. I was more likely to repress things if it gave me the immediate gratification of appearing to be moving past the emotional things vs giving myself the time and understanding to work through these things and truly move past them. In a way the fear caused me to construct a fake image of myself and it was this outward presentation that was more important than how I truly felt inside. And a lot of this fear stems from shame and what I've been through and continue to go through. But I'm learning to stop being ashamed and stop caring what others think about me.
INFP
