09-08-2018, 03:58 AM
Reading Shannon's US/LM journal about the subconscious getting sick in response to the fear. It hit me that I've been falling into theses sabotaging patterns these past few weeks. I may not get physically ill, but I notice there's a tendency to believe I'm more messed up than I actually am mentally. Along with that I've noticed I haven't been exercising control in avoiding rumination. It starts with one small thing, then it gains momentum, and the next thing I know I'm in a depressed state because the negative thought cycles are going without my conscious awareness.
To give an example, online dating. Everyone I've talked to in my life says it's complete shit. Yet somehow every time I went on there I used that as the measuring stick for my attractiveness. I took a subjective experience and turned it into a belief system about myself.
It seems my go to tactic used by my subconscious when I'm moving forward is slipping back into old defeated and shamed based mentalities about myself. Which I mistakenly assume is old stuff being processed or healed from. Which is convenient, because it creates the illusion of forward progress while still holding me back.
A does a lot of good for me. As much as the healing loophole I've created for myself derails me, I find myself learning a lot and moving on from stuff. My initial reaction was to cut out A completely so I could close that loophole. But I think as long as I'm conscious of this stuff I can stay on A. Of course having that realization it's now clear to me that switching between the two is the best the choice instead of doing the all or nothing, healing or no healing game. Too much time on A, more likely to get sucked into that "I need to fix myself more" mentality. Too much time on B, run into a brickwall of fear where I start to burn myself out. If anything DMSI has taught me wayyyyy more about how I respond to challenges and the whole idea of how far you have to go with healing vs integrating new patterns of thinking.
To give an example, online dating. Everyone I've talked to in my life says it's complete shit. Yet somehow every time I went on there I used that as the measuring stick for my attractiveness. I took a subjective experience and turned it into a belief system about myself.
It seems my go to tactic used by my subconscious when I'm moving forward is slipping back into old defeated and shamed based mentalities about myself. Which I mistakenly assume is old stuff being processed or healed from. Which is convenient, because it creates the illusion of forward progress while still holding me back.
A does a lot of good for me. As much as the healing loophole I've created for myself derails me, I find myself learning a lot and moving on from stuff. My initial reaction was to cut out A completely so I could close that loophole. But I think as long as I'm conscious of this stuff I can stay on A. Of course having that realization it's now clear to me that switching between the two is the best the choice instead of doing the all or nothing, healing or no healing game. Too much time on A, more likely to get sucked into that "I need to fix myself more" mentality. Too much time on B, run into a brickwall of fear where I start to burn myself out. If anything DMSI has taught me wayyyyy more about how I respond to challenges and the whole idea of how far you have to go with healing vs integrating new patterns of thinking.
INFP
