09-03-2018, 07:41 AM
So I think I'm going to take some time off DMSI or switch back to A.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the idea of resistance. How to overcome it, move past it, etc. These past few days I've had some really emotionally heavy stuff come up. It's gonna get really cryptic so stay with me.
Basically I've been seeking improvement in myself for years now. But instead of being a dynamic and wholly integrated human being, I'm very fragmented. I did a lot of introspection these past few days and I came to the conclusion that I've taken on certain coping mechanisms that served me as a child, but don't serve me anymore as an adult. Unfortunately that's how I grew up, that's what my mind knows and is familiar with. So what happened was I was and still am improving, but it was almost like improving a small piece of myself while others lagged behind. This was the surface issue. The real issue is this disconnected and fractured sort of state inside of myself. I kind of operate out of this mistaken belief that if I can make this one part of myself good enough all those other parts would disappear. Along with that comes the validation I get from having others see this improved self, but hiding the other parts. Basically think of it like a house. I've been cleaning and focusing on this one room and wasn't even aware there were other rooms in the house.
The confusing thing for me is after coming to these conclusions and looking up the symptoms, it all points towards some kind of trauma in life. I was never beaten, neglected, or verbally abused by my parents. I never had any particularly traumatic experiences as a child, I don't think. I honestly can't remember most of my childhood. Yet here I am. It could be all in my head or made up, sure anything is possible. But I've had a long history of repression, dissociating, and dysfunctional behavior. I mean if anything I haven't been 100% completely honest with what I've struggled with in life. I think part of that is when you feel like there's no good reason for why you've been dysfunctional compared to other people who have been through severely traumatic situations, it makes you think it's not as big of a deal and you try to brush it off. And I think that also has to do with the stigma around mental health and men, and all that bullshit I internalized.
So yeah. I might be going to E2 or just stay on A for a while. I'm leaning towards E2 because even though DMSI has healing in it, it's focused solely towards that goal of sex. And what I sort of uncovered these past few days has A LOT more than just being afraid of women.
Thoughts always welcome. If you think it's another resistance tactic or something. But honestly if I switch I'd rather not be burdened with the idea that I "failed". That's part of the reason why I've kept on with DMSI, to prove something to myself I guess. But at this point in my life I'm more concerned about my overall well being and mental health than being really sexually attractive to women. That being said, if I wanted to switch to E2, would I have to wait 35 days?
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the idea of resistance. How to overcome it, move past it, etc. These past few days I've had some really emotionally heavy stuff come up. It's gonna get really cryptic so stay with me.
Basically I've been seeking improvement in myself for years now. But instead of being a dynamic and wholly integrated human being, I'm very fragmented. I did a lot of introspection these past few days and I came to the conclusion that I've taken on certain coping mechanisms that served me as a child, but don't serve me anymore as an adult. Unfortunately that's how I grew up, that's what my mind knows and is familiar with. So what happened was I was and still am improving, but it was almost like improving a small piece of myself while others lagged behind. This was the surface issue. The real issue is this disconnected and fractured sort of state inside of myself. I kind of operate out of this mistaken belief that if I can make this one part of myself good enough all those other parts would disappear. Along with that comes the validation I get from having others see this improved self, but hiding the other parts. Basically think of it like a house. I've been cleaning and focusing on this one room and wasn't even aware there were other rooms in the house.
The confusing thing for me is after coming to these conclusions and looking up the symptoms, it all points towards some kind of trauma in life. I was never beaten, neglected, or verbally abused by my parents. I never had any particularly traumatic experiences as a child, I don't think. I honestly can't remember most of my childhood. Yet here I am. It could be all in my head or made up, sure anything is possible. But I've had a long history of repression, dissociating, and dysfunctional behavior. I mean if anything I haven't been 100% completely honest with what I've struggled with in life. I think part of that is when you feel like there's no good reason for why you've been dysfunctional compared to other people who have been through severely traumatic situations, it makes you think it's not as big of a deal and you try to brush it off. And I think that also has to do with the stigma around mental health and men, and all that bullshit I internalized.
So yeah. I might be going to E2 or just stay on A for a while. I'm leaning towards E2 because even though DMSI has healing in it, it's focused solely towards that goal of sex. And what I sort of uncovered these past few days has A LOT more than just being afraid of women.
Thoughts always welcome. If you think it's another resistance tactic or something. But honestly if I switch I'd rather not be burdened with the idea that I "failed". That's part of the reason why I've kept on with DMSI, to prove something to myself I guess. But at this point in my life I'm more concerned about my overall well being and mental health than being really sexually attractive to women. That being said, if I wanted to switch to E2, would I have to wait 35 days?
INFP
