Something that really gets me, which I'm working on. I'm not a very confident person. I've fluctuated between inflating my own ego to feel better and just being self deprecating to an extreme degree. I never really found a balance between the two. And yeah fear does stop me from doing a lot of things. But definitely within the last few posts I've realized I never really took the time to cultivate a stable sense of validation for myself. So I'd constantly live in fear of what others thought of me and in general try to prevent any criticism from people by acting in ways that are overly calculated. I feel like I've said that before. I have a lot of realizations that pop up, then get forgotten, then pop up again.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore with DMSI. Which isn't really a bad thing actually because I feel like since I don't have ANY experience with all this, I shouldn't be expecting how it's all going to come about. And I'm sure my brain is still crammed full of old useless information from my PUA days that still leaks into my perception of everything. But I know my goal is shifting to keeping everything lighthearted and fun and to meet and connect with attractive interesting women. Not to be this hyper sexual godlike person with something to prove. As insecure as that sounds, that was definitely something I was trying to bring about in order to validate myself more. How many women I could have attracted to me, just stupid crap like that.
Another thing that occurred to me. My mom wasn't raised in a very emotionally supportive family. Her father would make fun of her if she was upset. I'm a lot like my mom. I'm wondering if growing up she subconsciously saw the same traits in me that she experienced as a kid and the deep shame surrounding it and ended up being more neglectful towards those needs. Not being harsh like her father, but more distant or checked out. I love both my parents and I'm not blaming them, but sometimes I do wonder if I got the emotional support I needed growing up. It would make sense why I sort of hit adulthood and things didn't go smoothly at all. My whole foundation was incredibly shaky and weak and I based it on external things to validate me.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore with DMSI. Which isn't really a bad thing actually because I feel like since I don't have ANY experience with all this, I shouldn't be expecting how it's all going to come about. And I'm sure my brain is still crammed full of old useless information from my PUA days that still leaks into my perception of everything. But I know my goal is shifting to keeping everything lighthearted and fun and to meet and connect with attractive interesting women. Not to be this hyper sexual godlike person with something to prove. As insecure as that sounds, that was definitely something I was trying to bring about in order to validate myself more. How many women I could have attracted to me, just stupid crap like that.
Another thing that occurred to me. My mom wasn't raised in a very emotionally supportive family. Her father would make fun of her if she was upset. I'm a lot like my mom. I'm wondering if growing up she subconsciously saw the same traits in me that she experienced as a kid and the deep shame surrounding it and ended up being more neglectful towards those needs. Not being harsh like her father, but more distant or checked out. I love both my parents and I'm not blaming them, but sometimes I do wonder if I got the emotional support I needed growing up. It would make sense why I sort of hit adulthood and things didn't go smoothly at all. My whole foundation was incredibly shaky and weak and I based it on external things to validate me.
INFP
