08-19-2018, 07:16 AM
Drank coffee again today. I'm going to stop that soon. I'm becoming more aware of my self sabotage. I feel a hell of a lot better after drinking caffeine, but I know that's because for a brief time I escape from dmsi's influence. I am however going to start taking an l-tyrosine supplement. I feel as if my dopamine levels are low and I've read it's good for add as well. I'm not diagnosed with add, but one of my issues is only being able to focus on stuff I find interesting. It's only really a problem when I have to do work related stuff. Ideally I'll be doing stuff I actually care about in the future, but for the time being it's just one of those things I need otherwise I cause more issues down the road.
Had a bit of insight with DMSI the other night as well. I was at a bar and the bartender was pretty hot. I found myself consciously wanting her to notice me, but at the same time didn't want to go further than that. I realized my subconscious is trying to bargain. What I mean is it wants to be attractive, but it doesn't want to go all the way. It has a line. So it's like I try to execute DMSI in my own "safe" way, but since that's not the actual script nothing happens. Then I think, hey why isn't this working? And I slap myself because I'm not letting it. I imagine I'm giving out really mixed signals because of this. I had this feeling last night that if I locked eyes with this woman we'd share something. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. In general I'm not comfortable doing that. I feel creepy or weird, invasive, or agressive. Nice excuses right? Admittedly I've always sucked with eye contact with people. I get this weird anxiety where it feels like everything is too intense for me.
Had a bit of insight with DMSI the other night as well. I was at a bar and the bartender was pretty hot. I found myself consciously wanting her to notice me, but at the same time didn't want to go further than that. I realized my subconscious is trying to bargain. What I mean is it wants to be attractive, but it doesn't want to go all the way. It has a line. So it's like I try to execute DMSI in my own "safe" way, but since that's not the actual script nothing happens. Then I think, hey why isn't this working? And I slap myself because I'm not letting it. I imagine I'm giving out really mixed signals because of this. I had this feeling last night that if I locked eyes with this woman we'd share something. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. In general I'm not comfortable doing that. I feel creepy or weird, invasive, or agressive. Nice excuses right? Admittedly I've always sucked with eye contact with people. I get this weird anxiety where it feels like everything is too intense for me.
INFP
