08-18-2018, 12:11 PM
Man just reflecting on all this. What if I'm so far off the mark? What if everything I thought I've been struggling with is in no way related to what I've been obsessing over? When I was younger I thought everything that was fucked in my life was because of social anxiety. Then I realized I was horribly depressed. Then I thought I was a perfectionist with OCD. I've had so many interweaving complicated issues and I ALWAYS insisted it's just one thing. I'm obsessed with finding a root cause. The one answer that solves it all.
Is it possible for the mind to construct elaborate "problems" as a way to outright avoid something? It just doesn't make any sense. Why would I choose to continue to suffer vs living a life of happiness?
I get personal responsibility, admittedly I fuck that up a lot of the time. I succumb to my problems, dwell on them, internalize them, identify with them. But why? Why do I do this? What is the underlying cause of wanting to do that? Safety? Familiarity? And why the hell am I so powerless to it? More importantly how is it my subconscious is so afraid it would rather entertain the thought of killing myself vs pushing beyond and achieving happiness?
I know this isn't a competition, but sometimes I feel like unraveling that tangled mess of emotional shit, is wholly unnecessary. It's like opening pandoras box and everything flies out. Every issue is a micro-reality, briefly getting sucked into it, altering my identity. I feel like I've lived and died through a whole bunch of lives throughout my brief time on this Earth. Weirdly enough I feel like I pick up fragments of other people throughout my life, their lives, beliefs, views, leak into me.
DMSI is so friggin intense for me because it's challenging my very idea of what reality is. If you're not your issues or problems you've identified with, who they hell are you? If your life has literally been nothing but struggle, upward battle, trying to figure out how to solve the labyrinth that is negative beliefs, there's no framework for anything else. It's like someone pointing out to you that you've been living inside a 12x12 cube, showing you a world beyond that. And I think, but is it that easy? If it is that easy why didn't I do it earlier? Why didn't everyone? Then that starts the question. Why suffering at all? You know in the matrix when Morpheus shows Neo what reality is? Robots harnessing humans for energy. And he's in denial? He spins out and freaks. That's where I'm at. I'm not talking grand conspiracy theories here, but just the structure of "realistic reality". The web that's held together by the collective conscious of people. Life is this or that, things work this way. It's not much different from the Matrix, a lot of us toil away at 9-5s making some head guy richer, taking our energy/time on this planet. It's a shitty reality, I feel like most people are so afraid of breaking out they'd rather live in denial.
I'm going to keep going, I'm sure I've lost people by now but fuck it I was due for a stream of consciousness rant. It's not dmsi, but the tech around it. I feel it. This is more than just "getting better" or "working with what you've got". This is opening up to the possibility that even the reality of spending years working on internal issues is yet another false interpretation of how things work. How many times have you heard to live with your insecurities? Accepting things like depression or anxiety always being there? Needing to accept oneself, to make up for the fact that as humans we're pretty shit at controlling our own minds, so we do these mental gymnastics in the form of self help books, seminars, meditations retreats, in the hopes that we tap into even 5% of our power. Yes love yourself, treat yourself with kindness, but don't settle for less out of fear or because other's have said change isn't possible. We aren't static beings, we don't have a template we must follow until death, we have free will. Growth is not a rejection of self or being inauthentic.
When you see it. The tear in the fabric of reality. The brief glimpse that makes you question this very world we live in. I've had these thoughts for a while now. They've isolated me all my life. I thought I was insane or just couldn't handle "reality" so I designed my own convoluted imagination fueled perspective of how life is something more than what people told me. All new ideas are laughed at, ridiculed. Shannon has mentioned this multiple times. You can't rely on other people to confirm what reality is for you. If you do that, they'll imprison you.
If my ramblings seem like the words of an insane person on a manic trip, I don't care. My goal has always been freedom. Ultimate freedom. Not freedom within some predefined box. I'm talking outside the box, seeing the pieces on the gameboard, seeing the delusions and deception. People control and manipulate, I need to be above that. Not on a mere mental level, but an energetic one too. A track of reality that doesn't derail this metaphorical train of success. Being able to see the problems before they happen and adjust accordingly before you even hit that point. I'm talking next level stuff, having the subconscious be 7 steps ahead. Harnessing a power that NOBODY informs you have growing up in life.
Like I said this is bigger than DMSI, but I feel this is what I've been getting pushed towards after jumping to B. And I had to write it all out because it was just bubbling up inside of me with no outlet. Especially as I've gone about my days surrounded by people that do not share these ideas with me. It's beyond the norm, it's different, and maybe just maybe I fear it so much because this is the biggest leap. This isn't improving confidence, self esteem, etc. this is like being given keys to a Porsche. It's raw power and having never been in any position in my life with that, well it's probably intimidating.
Is it possible for the mind to construct elaborate "problems" as a way to outright avoid something? It just doesn't make any sense. Why would I choose to continue to suffer vs living a life of happiness?
I get personal responsibility, admittedly I fuck that up a lot of the time. I succumb to my problems, dwell on them, internalize them, identify with them. But why? Why do I do this? What is the underlying cause of wanting to do that? Safety? Familiarity? And why the hell am I so powerless to it? More importantly how is it my subconscious is so afraid it would rather entertain the thought of killing myself vs pushing beyond and achieving happiness?
I know this isn't a competition, but sometimes I feel like unraveling that tangled mess of emotional shit, is wholly unnecessary. It's like opening pandoras box and everything flies out. Every issue is a micro-reality, briefly getting sucked into it, altering my identity. I feel like I've lived and died through a whole bunch of lives throughout my brief time on this Earth. Weirdly enough I feel like I pick up fragments of other people throughout my life, their lives, beliefs, views, leak into me.
DMSI is so friggin intense for me because it's challenging my very idea of what reality is. If you're not your issues or problems you've identified with, who they hell are you? If your life has literally been nothing but struggle, upward battle, trying to figure out how to solve the labyrinth that is negative beliefs, there's no framework for anything else. It's like someone pointing out to you that you've been living inside a 12x12 cube, showing you a world beyond that. And I think, but is it that easy? If it is that easy why didn't I do it earlier? Why didn't everyone? Then that starts the question. Why suffering at all? You know in the matrix when Morpheus shows Neo what reality is? Robots harnessing humans for energy. And he's in denial? He spins out and freaks. That's where I'm at. I'm not talking grand conspiracy theories here, but just the structure of "realistic reality". The web that's held together by the collective conscious of people. Life is this or that, things work this way. It's not much different from the Matrix, a lot of us toil away at 9-5s making some head guy richer, taking our energy/time on this planet. It's a shitty reality, I feel like most people are so afraid of breaking out they'd rather live in denial.
I'm going to keep going, I'm sure I've lost people by now but fuck it I was due for a stream of consciousness rant. It's not dmsi, but the tech around it. I feel it. This is more than just "getting better" or "working with what you've got". This is opening up to the possibility that even the reality of spending years working on internal issues is yet another false interpretation of how things work. How many times have you heard to live with your insecurities? Accepting things like depression or anxiety always being there? Needing to accept oneself, to make up for the fact that as humans we're pretty shit at controlling our own minds, so we do these mental gymnastics in the form of self help books, seminars, meditations retreats, in the hopes that we tap into even 5% of our power. Yes love yourself, treat yourself with kindness, but don't settle for less out of fear or because other's have said change isn't possible. We aren't static beings, we don't have a template we must follow until death, we have free will. Growth is not a rejection of self or being inauthentic.
When you see it. The tear in the fabric of reality. The brief glimpse that makes you question this very world we live in. I've had these thoughts for a while now. They've isolated me all my life. I thought I was insane or just couldn't handle "reality" so I designed my own convoluted imagination fueled perspective of how life is something more than what people told me. All new ideas are laughed at, ridiculed. Shannon has mentioned this multiple times. You can't rely on other people to confirm what reality is for you. If you do that, they'll imprison you.
If my ramblings seem like the words of an insane person on a manic trip, I don't care. My goal has always been freedom. Ultimate freedom. Not freedom within some predefined box. I'm talking outside the box, seeing the pieces on the gameboard, seeing the delusions and deception. People control and manipulate, I need to be above that. Not on a mere mental level, but an energetic one too. A track of reality that doesn't derail this metaphorical train of success. Being able to see the problems before they happen and adjust accordingly before you even hit that point. I'm talking next level stuff, having the subconscious be 7 steps ahead. Harnessing a power that NOBODY informs you have growing up in life.
Like I said this is bigger than DMSI, but I feel this is what I've been getting pushed towards after jumping to B. And I had to write it all out because it was just bubbling up inside of me with no outlet. Especially as I've gone about my days surrounded by people that do not share these ideas with me. It's beyond the norm, it's different, and maybe just maybe I fear it so much because this is the biggest leap. This isn't improving confidence, self esteem, etc. this is like being given keys to a Porsche. It's raw power and having never been in any position in my life with that, well it's probably intimidating.
INFP
