07-26-2018, 08:31 AM
Man, I've been on a major mindset overhaul these past few days. I'm just refusing to follow my old limiting thought patterns. The ones where I compare myself to others, worry about being good enough, being overly judgemental of others. Basically avoiding this whole tier mentality of where people stack up. I know that's messed up, but I'm a messed up person. There's always been an ugliness in how I've perceived others because I couldn't show myself compassion. Nitpicking flaws, thinking of how they should improve, thinking of how they should be more ashamed with some of the stuff they deal with, etc. I was always thinking "I've put so much work into myself, why don't people like me? Other people suck, are needy, awkward, but they have close relationships. Surely I'm good enough to have that too?" But so much ego or insecurities existed within me. I'd elevate my self worth by highlighting how much I've improved or how committed I was to growth. But I'd always do it in comparison with others. As if I was somehow better because I've engaged in more introspection and self work.
Underneath my positive exterior was a festering self hatred for myself that I'd project to others. But since I didn't want to be an awful person I'd try extra hard to be positive. But it was a losing battle because I never went to the source.
With 100 percent certainty I can confidently state I'm not done healing. There's just too much judgemental/perfectionist demands on myself and others that shouldn't even be there. This might be an exaggeration but I honestly think this mentality has kept me from deep relationships with anyone. To have deep relationships you have to love the person and see them as a whole despite the flaws. But I'd just obsess on the negatives and be incapable of seeing them as human. I legitimately feel as if I had to be perfect in every way to be loved and any flaws were unacceptable so I just had to isolate myself until I was good enough for others.
Underneath my positive exterior was a festering self hatred for myself that I'd project to others. But since I didn't want to be an awful person I'd try extra hard to be positive. But it was a losing battle because I never went to the source.
With 100 percent certainty I can confidently state I'm not done healing. There's just too much judgemental/perfectionist demands on myself and others that shouldn't even be there. This might be an exaggeration but I honestly think this mentality has kept me from deep relationships with anyone. To have deep relationships you have to love the person and see them as a whole despite the flaws. But I'd just obsess on the negatives and be incapable of seeing them as human. I legitimately feel as if I had to be perfect in every way to be loved and any flaws were unacceptable so I just had to isolate myself until I was good enough for others.
INFP
