07-19-2018, 05:08 PM
Perfectionism crept up on me again. Started to realize I've been waiting until I "fix" everything before I involve myself with women. My obsessive need to get myself as close to perfect as possible is to avoid rejection and to guarantee a certain outcome. Which is dumb because in life you can't ever guarantee an outcome. And there's no such thing as perfect, so what my mind is going for is a trap.
Basically I'm really fed up with feeling like I have to get to a certain point before I'm good enough for women. I'd rather just be a little rough around the edges and not give a shit anymore. I have this tendency to micro manage my emotions. Today I sort of just let go and stopped trying to control everything and I found myself with a combination of rage and sadness. Not aimed at anything, but it was just there.
I've spent a large portion of my life trying to get my mindset right. I'm starting to wonder if all those habits I've built up were just elaborate coping mechanism to deal with the fact that deep down I felt like my feelings about anything didn't matter. And also as a way to get approval from people. When I was depressed and struggling I never really felt like I could talk about it, so I just tried my best to appear the way I thought others would want to see me.
Letting go has been the hardest thing for me because I'm so used to being in control all the time and only allowing myself to feel what is considered "acceptable". In this moment I just feel like a mess of a person and for the longest time on DMSI I was avoiding that because I wanted to skip right over it. But I'll take the messiness if it means peace of mind in the future. Just have to keep going.
Basically I'm really fed up with feeling like I have to get to a certain point before I'm good enough for women. I'd rather just be a little rough around the edges and not give a shit anymore. I have this tendency to micro manage my emotions. Today I sort of just let go and stopped trying to control everything and I found myself with a combination of rage and sadness. Not aimed at anything, but it was just there.
I've spent a large portion of my life trying to get my mindset right. I'm starting to wonder if all those habits I've built up were just elaborate coping mechanism to deal with the fact that deep down I felt like my feelings about anything didn't matter. And also as a way to get approval from people. When I was depressed and struggling I never really felt like I could talk about it, so I just tried my best to appear the way I thought others would want to see me.
Letting go has been the hardest thing for me because I'm so used to being in control all the time and only allowing myself to feel what is considered "acceptable". In this moment I just feel like a mess of a person and for the longest time on DMSI I was avoiding that because I wanted to skip right over it. But I'll take the messiness if it means peace of mind in the future. Just have to keep going.
INFP
