07-14-2018, 08:02 AM
Had to take a break from cleaning because it really hit me what I've been doing wrong with my life. I keep wanting to close my eyes and have everything go away. Just constantly hiding. Sweeping it all under the rug. But doing that bites you in the ass two fold. One, you don't get to where you want to be and two those things pile up and what was once a minor issue is now a major problem. And once it's a major problem that causes even more stress which further pushes me into avoidance mode.
I was like this with exercise too. I never pushed my limits. It was always stress = bad. If I had stress I needed to back off or I was afraid I'd hurt myself. Same thing with this self growth. I NEED to push myself. That feeling of being afraid of hurting myself or going too far is the boundary I need to cross if I ever hope to change.
I keep having this expectation that DMSI is supposed to be smooth and if I encounter turbulence I'm doing something wrong. Which manifests as me mentally retreating and not executing. So I decided last night that I need to keep pushing, even if if it makes me feel stressed out or tired. It would be great if I didn't have to try so hard, but I just know every time I go into "stress relieving mode" it's not addressing the root cause and it's only treating the symptoms of a much larger problem. Mainly my mindset that needs a major overhaul. The problem has always been, even before subs, that I perceive this detached calm state as beneficial to my mental health. When really it's an addiction and I'm no different than a drug user that goes back for a fix when stress gets high in life. Complete with excuses or rationalizations for why it's good for me. What's crazy is I've talked with my Mom about this exact thing, the same dysfunctional pattern of this mentally checking out thing.
I've done a lot of obsessive analyzing about the "correct" way to execute this program and I've realized it's that exact mentality that keeps me from executing. I need to just fucking do it instead of trying to plan out perfectly and waiting until I feel ready.
I'm not gonna lie, when I see other people on the forum have success it bums me out. And it's not just DMSI. This has been my whole life. I just want to scream "WHY???!!" Why the fuck is it this way? Why do I have to try so damn hard all the time? But you know I spent years trying to figure out a way to circumvent all of it and it just led to me in a pit of despair. I just have to bite down and handle what life gave to me. This isn't even about girls, this is about life. I honestly feel the energy I have expended and put into myself over the years is in no way proportional to my own personal success. It's almost like anxiety and depression were these separate entities that fed on my energy day in day out and I was left with 10% to put towards what I actually wanted to achieve in life.
Sometimes I honestly forget that other people NEVER dealt with any of this stuff. So I see successful musicians or people in general following their dreams and I forget sometimes that they never had to conquer this mountain that I've been given. I always thought I was just weak, that everyone dealt with stuff and overcame it better than me. But I honestly think I was given this challenge and overcoming it is part of my path in life. Hence why trying to circumvent it did not work. I think it's part of the "rules" as crazy as that sounds. The more I've lived my life, the more I see that there are aspects I see that others don't. Things I've dealt with that don't even occur in other people's realities.
If I'm talking out of my ass someone feel free to stop me. I constantly have no point of reference or understanding for how hard my life has been as far as mental stuff goes. I just remember a few years back I didn't want to live, so it must have been bad for me.
I was like this with exercise too. I never pushed my limits. It was always stress = bad. If I had stress I needed to back off or I was afraid I'd hurt myself. Same thing with this self growth. I NEED to push myself. That feeling of being afraid of hurting myself or going too far is the boundary I need to cross if I ever hope to change.
I keep having this expectation that DMSI is supposed to be smooth and if I encounter turbulence I'm doing something wrong. Which manifests as me mentally retreating and not executing. So I decided last night that I need to keep pushing, even if if it makes me feel stressed out or tired. It would be great if I didn't have to try so hard, but I just know every time I go into "stress relieving mode" it's not addressing the root cause and it's only treating the symptoms of a much larger problem. Mainly my mindset that needs a major overhaul. The problem has always been, even before subs, that I perceive this detached calm state as beneficial to my mental health. When really it's an addiction and I'm no different than a drug user that goes back for a fix when stress gets high in life. Complete with excuses or rationalizations for why it's good for me. What's crazy is I've talked with my Mom about this exact thing, the same dysfunctional pattern of this mentally checking out thing.
I've done a lot of obsessive analyzing about the "correct" way to execute this program and I've realized it's that exact mentality that keeps me from executing. I need to just fucking do it instead of trying to plan out perfectly and waiting until I feel ready.
I'm not gonna lie, when I see other people on the forum have success it bums me out. And it's not just DMSI. This has been my whole life. I just want to scream "WHY???!!" Why the fuck is it this way? Why do I have to try so damn hard all the time? But you know I spent years trying to figure out a way to circumvent all of it and it just led to me in a pit of despair. I just have to bite down and handle what life gave to me. This isn't even about girls, this is about life. I honestly feel the energy I have expended and put into myself over the years is in no way proportional to my own personal success. It's almost like anxiety and depression were these separate entities that fed on my energy day in day out and I was left with 10% to put towards what I actually wanted to achieve in life.
Sometimes I honestly forget that other people NEVER dealt with any of this stuff. So I see successful musicians or people in general following their dreams and I forget sometimes that they never had to conquer this mountain that I've been given. I always thought I was just weak, that everyone dealt with stuff and overcame it better than me. But I honestly think I was given this challenge and overcoming it is part of my path in life. Hence why trying to circumvent it did not work. I think it's part of the "rules" as crazy as that sounds. The more I've lived my life, the more I see that there are aspects I see that others don't. Things I've dealt with that don't even occur in other people's realities.
If I'm talking out of my ass someone feel free to stop me. I constantly have no point of reference or understanding for how hard my life has been as far as mental stuff goes. I just remember a few years back I didn't want to live, so it must have been bad for me.
INFP
