07-06-2018, 12:44 AM
Regarding change, a major way I've avoided it is by not telling anyone my thoughts and actions. Isolating, for me, enabled the "I'm not going to change" lifestyle.
So, I'm writing. No major dreams. As I checked my thread for replies, I felt sad. Sad I was going through change since not changing means I don't have painful feelings. Sad I was letting yesterday (or yesterdays) go. And even today, after months of sub usage, change still feels brand new.
Reminds me emotionally of the 4th, two days ago. I did march and play trumpet for the women's club. My daughter and ex were both there. My daughter was beautiful. I was also given a great gift. After the parade, most members returned to the clubhouse, which is only a block away from our parade ending point. I walked up, seeking some person to chat with, but the beer was out. I realized it wasn't a good place to seek a healthy discussion :-). I turned around, deciding to take a walk instead. My daughter was by her mom's car since she had done the same as I had. I invited her to join me. No plan, just walking. She joined me.
It was good to hear her. All the "I don't like the bodily changes" discussions, relational changes, she just spit it out (she's 13). I felt honored and proud since I didn't need anything from her personally. She wanted to connect with someone, and I was willing. They're in town until Saturday. I have fears of asking her out since I'm low on funds since rent is due.........I should just call her.
(Why am I scared?) I'm thinking "I won't have enough" if she wants to do something. Change equals: sharing the truth. (What if she rejects me?) Those are worst-case, imagined fears. Letting that go still feels new.
I'll text her, to start. This is on my mind, so I thought I'd share it.
So, I'm writing. No major dreams. As I checked my thread for replies, I felt sad. Sad I was going through change since not changing means I don't have painful feelings. Sad I was letting yesterday (or yesterdays) go. And even today, after months of sub usage, change still feels brand new.
Reminds me emotionally of the 4th, two days ago. I did march and play trumpet for the women's club. My daughter and ex were both there. My daughter was beautiful. I was also given a great gift. After the parade, most members returned to the clubhouse, which is only a block away from our parade ending point. I walked up, seeking some person to chat with, but the beer was out. I realized it wasn't a good place to seek a healthy discussion :-). I turned around, deciding to take a walk instead. My daughter was by her mom's car since she had done the same as I had. I invited her to join me. No plan, just walking. She joined me.
It was good to hear her. All the "I don't like the bodily changes" discussions, relational changes, she just spit it out (she's 13). I felt honored and proud since I didn't need anything from her personally. She wanted to connect with someone, and I was willing. They're in town until Saturday. I have fears of asking her out since I'm low on funds since rent is due.........I should just call her.
(Why am I scared?) I'm thinking "I won't have enough" if she wants to do something. Change equals: sharing the truth. (What if she rejects me?) Those are worst-case, imagined fears. Letting that go still feels new.
I'll text her, to start. This is on my mind, so I thought I'd share it.
I want to be FREE!
