07-05-2018, 03:35 PM
Damn 7 loops is rough. I don't think I slept last night that much. But I can feel dmsi pushing me beyond that comfort zone. Hard to describe what it feels like, but it's just forward momentum. It's making it impossible for me to go back to that avoiding mentality where I hide and sink into a depression. I just feel fully committed to making these changes in my life I need instead of living a subpar life for myself. Tolerance for other people's nonsense is non-existent, got hassled again at work today and literally thought to myself "I don't care, I deserve better than this". You know for a lot of my life when people treated me like crap I'd blame myself. I wouldn't see that it was toxic and I didn't have to internalize any of it. So not only did I feel like crap because of how they treated me, but then I'd go into a destructive spiral and come up with all the reasons why maybe they were right and I was wrong.
I'm feeling closer to genuinely not giving a fuck, like seriously. I'd often think I was there in the past, but it was cleverly disguised as validation seeking for being more independent or cool. But this just feels way closer to it. Stripping away the status symbols, the jobs, the money, the looks, the skills, all the bullshit that made me feel I wasn't good enough as I was. And i don't even want to associate with people who nitpick and place people in boxes based on all that criteria. We're all so much more than that. I've always been incredibly judgemental, but that was just a reflection of my own insecurities. As I heal from this stuff more and more, I see the freedom in seeing everyone as fundamentally the same. We're all just disconnected because of the negativity that spreads like a virus in society.
I'm feeling closer to genuinely not giving a fuck, like seriously. I'd often think I was there in the past, but it was cleverly disguised as validation seeking for being more independent or cool. But this just feels way closer to it. Stripping away the status symbols, the jobs, the money, the looks, the skills, all the bullshit that made me feel I wasn't good enough as I was. And i don't even want to associate with people who nitpick and place people in boxes based on all that criteria. We're all so much more than that. I've always been incredibly judgemental, but that was just a reflection of my own insecurities. As I heal from this stuff more and more, I see the freedom in seeing everyone as fundamentally the same. We're all just disconnected because of the negativity that spreads like a virus in society.
INFP
