07-03-2018, 03:50 PM
It hurts writing this, as I've not been asking for help lately while on the sub. I've been going with the "I'm supposed to not ask for help since nobody walks my walk" mode. I'm not confident doing this now.
I've been "trying" to look good here, meaning some challenges have come up, some have stayed up, but DMSI is changing my wants and reactions, and those very changes I'm feeling and fearing consequences of. I'm not people-pleasing NEARLY as much as I've done most of my life, and I am insecure.
2 females in my family stand out, and I'm scared a bit. First there's my mom. I've lied to her (and myself) for years now, saying what she wanted to hear, not what I've always been thinking. I've not called her in 2 weeks (well, she called me), and she called Sunday night after me not visiting her in 2 weeks with no communication. Her voicemail was her blaming herself pitifully for me not coming over, saying repeatedly "I DO love you", implying I thought she hated me, and she was wooing me back. She pleaded that I call her. I've not done so. Am I right? I'm sick of me playing the game of "let's NOT be honest today!" She's 78, yet acts like a vulnerable 8 year old seeking some acceptance and love. She has no friends since she's home 24/7. And her children, those who are honest, don't interact with her much at all.
I'm kind of scared I'll regret ignoring her someday since this could be me.
I wish it was simple, but in truth, my distance is actually a revenge and also a emotional safeguard for me. I get drained even thinking of visiting her, since I hide "me" from her. Exhausting. And I'm tired of taking care of her emotions. I did so my entire life, even when I was living out of the area. Like I felt indebted to saving her emotionally. I even considered dropping out of college in my 3rd year to ease my conscience. To save my momma. To come home and rescue her. When I got into Al-Anon (for families/friends of alcoholics) that same year in college, I felt sane again. But so far on DMSI, I've not made any changes or commitments with my mom, except I don't wish to babysit her emotions. It's just an internal rejection of this "norm".
Geesss. I've not aired that to anybody recently, myself included. She's my biggest hangup emotionally.
The second female on my mind is not nearly so negative. In fact, it may actually be positive. Really. It concerns my 13 year old daughter. Pre-DMSI (7 loops), I'd text or FB message my daughter every 3-4 days, similarly to how my mom would call or text me. Gawd.....I'd do a "thinking of you" or "I love you" which, just like my mom's messages, had the undertone of "would you PLEASE respond?!!!"
But I've not felt guilty since.....I've not been doing that for weeks. I've not been planting unspoken expectations, trying to have her care for ME emotionally. That's why this is positive with her. I know I think I "should" know who I should be to her, but I don't. And honestly, I'm not worried about it. Me not depending on her is a very, very good thing. And a great benefit of DMSI. Me NOT depending on her is fabulous! Thanks Shannon!
I just realized something monumental. I'd shared about Al-Anon above, and I began thinking of meetings. "Should I go back? Why would I go?" I've not been to any 12 step meeting in almost 2 months, and I went to multiple groups multiple times per week for YEARS. But what came up while thinking about that was.........I withdrew........EXACTLY like with my mom........ since I put on my "I'll take care of YOU, not me" mask to EVERY even somewhat attractive woman in the room. I think.....I always did this. It made me feel needed, wanted, important. Loved.
And if I didn't do this, I feared not being loved. So me being loved and appreciated was always dependent on me "performing" for them via overhonest shares most of the time (I do similarly here
.) Over time, I got sick of performing, so I just quit going. It's why I've not gone back too. "Putting on my show" was all I knew, and I know it's a lie now.
Major sidenote: This is EXACTLY why I've not been dating, searching, or seeking out a girlfriend. GDammit, this is why! :@ I've felt shame, I'd disregarded my attractions, and minimized, minimized, minimized them all. I've been handcuffed to this.....how the HELL do I get out?!!! Will DMSI free me? This angers me :@
DMSI is healing me more than anything else I've done.
So......recently, I've been becoming aware of these many facades and performances I've put on. I've just not known "who" to be, so I've not gone to church or meetings in months.. I've imagined, and have done so at times, just fallen into that caretaking role and would just play it around others. I am not comfortable doing this at this time (!!!!)
I'm unsure exactly who I am right now, or even who I can be since a lot of old comfy lies were in my roles. Surprisingly, even though I'm on B now (began last night), I never thought of this clearly while on A. I felt sadness a moment ago, and that made me realize I'd not had tears while on A. Maybe it just needed time to process, since me letting go of old roles seems what I'm (actually) fighting letting go of. This is me right now.
I've been "trying" to look good here, meaning some challenges have come up, some have stayed up, but DMSI is changing my wants and reactions, and those very changes I'm feeling and fearing consequences of. I'm not people-pleasing NEARLY as much as I've done most of my life, and I am insecure.
2 females in my family stand out, and I'm scared a bit. First there's my mom. I've lied to her (and myself) for years now, saying what she wanted to hear, not what I've always been thinking. I've not called her in 2 weeks (well, she called me), and she called Sunday night after me not visiting her in 2 weeks with no communication. Her voicemail was her blaming herself pitifully for me not coming over, saying repeatedly "I DO love you", implying I thought she hated me, and she was wooing me back. She pleaded that I call her. I've not done so. Am I right? I'm sick of me playing the game of "let's NOT be honest today!" She's 78, yet acts like a vulnerable 8 year old seeking some acceptance and love. She has no friends since she's home 24/7. And her children, those who are honest, don't interact with her much at all.
I'm kind of scared I'll regret ignoring her someday since this could be me.
I wish it was simple, but in truth, my distance is actually a revenge and also a emotional safeguard for me. I get drained even thinking of visiting her, since I hide "me" from her. Exhausting. And I'm tired of taking care of her emotions. I did so my entire life, even when I was living out of the area. Like I felt indebted to saving her emotionally. I even considered dropping out of college in my 3rd year to ease my conscience. To save my momma. To come home and rescue her. When I got into Al-Anon (for families/friends of alcoholics) that same year in college, I felt sane again. But so far on DMSI, I've not made any changes or commitments with my mom, except I don't wish to babysit her emotions. It's just an internal rejection of this "norm".
Geesss. I've not aired that to anybody recently, myself included. She's my biggest hangup emotionally.
The second female on my mind is not nearly so negative. In fact, it may actually be positive. Really. It concerns my 13 year old daughter. Pre-DMSI (7 loops), I'd text or FB message my daughter every 3-4 days, similarly to how my mom would call or text me. Gawd.....I'd do a "thinking of you" or "I love you" which, just like my mom's messages, had the undertone of "would you PLEASE respond?!!!"
But I've not felt guilty since.....I've not been doing that for weeks. I've not been planting unspoken expectations, trying to have her care for ME emotionally. That's why this is positive with her. I know I think I "should" know who I should be to her, but I don't. And honestly, I'm not worried about it. Me not depending on her is a very, very good thing. And a great benefit of DMSI. Me NOT depending on her is fabulous! Thanks Shannon!
I just realized something monumental. I'd shared about Al-Anon above, and I began thinking of meetings. "Should I go back? Why would I go?" I've not been to any 12 step meeting in almost 2 months, and I went to multiple groups multiple times per week for YEARS. But what came up while thinking about that was.........I withdrew........EXACTLY like with my mom........ since I put on my "I'll take care of YOU, not me" mask to EVERY even somewhat attractive woman in the room. I think.....I always did this. It made me feel needed, wanted, important. Loved.
And if I didn't do this, I feared not being loved. So me being loved and appreciated was always dependent on me "performing" for them via overhonest shares most of the time (I do similarly here
.) Over time, I got sick of performing, so I just quit going. It's why I've not gone back too. "Putting on my show" was all I knew, and I know it's a lie now.Major sidenote: This is EXACTLY why I've not been dating, searching, or seeking out a girlfriend. GDammit, this is why! :@ I've felt shame, I'd disregarded my attractions, and minimized, minimized, minimized them all. I've been handcuffed to this.....how the HELL do I get out?!!! Will DMSI free me? This angers me :@
DMSI is healing me more than anything else I've done.
So......recently, I've been becoming aware of these many facades and performances I've put on. I've just not known "who" to be, so I've not gone to church or meetings in months.. I've imagined, and have done so at times, just fallen into that caretaking role and would just play it around others. I am not comfortable doing this at this time (!!!!)
I'm unsure exactly who I am right now, or even who I can be since a lot of old comfy lies were in my roles. Surprisingly, even though I'm on B now (began last night), I never thought of this clearly while on A. I felt sadness a moment ago, and that made me realize I'd not had tears while on A. Maybe it just needed time to process, since me letting go of old roles seems what I'm (actually) fighting letting go of. This is me right now.
I want to be FREE!
