I fought from playing no subs on my off day yesterday, but I finally turned OGSF off around 1, and this morning I'm seeing a difference mentally. I did dream, and it tied into some fears I've carried for a while.
The fears of being gay have been with me since I work with only guys, and over the last almost 3 years some have asked why I wasn't with anybody. I have never had a good answer. Then, recently one driver has been snubbing me, so the fears of being perceived as weird or gay have surfaced.
But something happened last night, and my dream ended up pointing at my root. Last night, I'd gone shopping for food, and a lane was open with no cashier. I looked around, and a young cashier saw me and jumped in his lane. He asked how I was. I said, trying to be understanding of his late work hours, that I was glad I was not at work now. He responded that yeah, it was Sunday, but it did give him some hours. I shared I'd worked for the company right after high school. He shared he was going to going to school soon to be a pharmacy tech, which was positive on his part. He quickly shared he was uncertain if going to school for training was the best idea vs. applying with another local chain where they'd train him on site. This struggle made perfect sense to me, so I responded agreeing with him. He genuinely appreciated me hearing his dilemna, as we were both present and not distracted. He genuinely thanked me before I left. That felt good.
Based on what I wrote 2 paragraphs up, I felt scared a little. He'd just opened up, and I validated his concerns. Nothing strange, at all. No unusual feelings. It was just a safe conversation. I had a good interaction with a guy out of high school seeking a smart direction in life currently. It's something I can relate with.
Came home, ate, and went to bed finally. In my dream, I realized I'd not really connected much with guys due to that fear I'd be hurt if I wanted to depend on them. This fear has grown and stayed. But also in my dream, I also feared connecting with women. My guards weren't up, so it just flowed. I'd married thinking my wife would show me how to be a man. My mom never married or dated, so this was my training: women just make it happen, not men. However, a shaming by myself and others made me not open myself up to my wife, who was very emotionally distant. She was no help. Well, in my dream, I was attracted to women for the safety I thought they'd bring in my life. This is how I was trained to appreciate women--what they could do for me. My fear and pain was not nearly as strong as it used to be, and I saw, in part, where I've been stuck. I've been afraid to do a relationship again since "that's all I know". I've equated me being in a committed relationship with me being a user.
That's what I discovered. Sex is advertised like "it's my RIGHT!", and to me, that's using people, in my thinking anyway. I'm staying on DMSI, sharing honestly. A is just pointing out an obstacle. Thank *** for H/C.
The fears of being gay have been with me since I work with only guys, and over the last almost 3 years some have asked why I wasn't with anybody. I have never had a good answer. Then, recently one driver has been snubbing me, so the fears of being perceived as weird or gay have surfaced.
But something happened last night, and my dream ended up pointing at my root. Last night, I'd gone shopping for food, and a lane was open with no cashier. I looked around, and a young cashier saw me and jumped in his lane. He asked how I was. I said, trying to be understanding of his late work hours, that I was glad I was not at work now. He responded that yeah, it was Sunday, but it did give him some hours. I shared I'd worked for the company right after high school. He shared he was going to going to school soon to be a pharmacy tech, which was positive on his part. He quickly shared he was uncertain if going to school for training was the best idea vs. applying with another local chain where they'd train him on site. This struggle made perfect sense to me, so I responded agreeing with him. He genuinely appreciated me hearing his dilemna, as we were both present and not distracted. He genuinely thanked me before I left. That felt good.
Based on what I wrote 2 paragraphs up, I felt scared a little. He'd just opened up, and I validated his concerns. Nothing strange, at all. No unusual feelings. It was just a safe conversation. I had a good interaction with a guy out of high school seeking a smart direction in life currently. It's something I can relate with.
Came home, ate, and went to bed finally. In my dream, I realized I'd not really connected much with guys due to that fear I'd be hurt if I wanted to depend on them. This fear has grown and stayed. But also in my dream, I also feared connecting with women. My guards weren't up, so it just flowed. I'd married thinking my wife would show me how to be a man. My mom never married or dated, so this was my training: women just make it happen, not men. However, a shaming by myself and others made me not open myself up to my wife, who was very emotionally distant. She was no help. Well, in my dream, I was attracted to women for the safety I thought they'd bring in my life. This is how I was trained to appreciate women--what they could do for me. My fear and pain was not nearly as strong as it used to be, and I saw, in part, where I've been stuck. I've been afraid to do a relationship again since "that's all I know". I've equated me being in a committed relationship with me being a user.
That's what I discovered. Sex is advertised like "it's my RIGHT!", and to me, that's using people, in my thinking anyway. I'm staying on DMSI, sharing honestly. A is just pointing out an obstacle. Thank *** for H/C.
I want to be FREE!
