07-01-2018, 11:53 AM
DMSI "A" has been digging into some old relational patterns. Letting go of old patterns is mentally desired but emotionally demanding.
I get on here, and as I write, I don't want to share me. I want to share something productive, something inspiring.........and that is funny since.....I've been in bed all day so far since this is my one down day. I'm actually hiding today....okay, I'm hiding from my mom again. The more I think of her, the more I'm disappointed in thinking she may have anything to give as a good model, emotionally.
She called me last night while I was playing a game with some friends, and in front of them, I said "letting that go to voicemail". I f****** tired of continual guilt trips, shame trips (which I give myself), so I said no. I'd kind of (if that's possible) thought I'd listen later. It's almost been 24 hours, and I've not listened. I'm going off repeat performances in my head, as I just don't want a guilt and shame based relationship anymore. I am getting SOOO tired of the emotional games they require and demand. I've got more exciting things to do than play "yes, I feel sh***, can you help distract me from it for a while?"
I'm tired of it with other people since I do it with myself still. DMSI is helping me see this, and it's hopeful since this sub has the tools to help me stop it with myself. That is enough of new challenge by itself; and me accepting it from others lately has been easy to see. I end up feeling it more when I put in effort to ignore it. "What you resist will persist", and it does so powerfully in my experience.
I love my mom, but I don't enjoy her lifestyle. Running from all change and pain is what I've followed most of my life. Hiding from it just creates MORE pain though. I'd not write this if I wasn't in regular awareness of it on DMSI.
I'm on my off day today. I'll restart B tomorrow. I've both read and experienced the melancholy on A and the hyperdrive on B. Shannon was wise to have us start on B, for there is a definite difference.
I get on here, and as I write, I don't want to share me. I want to share something productive, something inspiring.........and that is funny since.....I've been in bed all day so far since this is my one down day. I'm actually hiding today....okay, I'm hiding from my mom again. The more I think of her, the more I'm disappointed in thinking she may have anything to give as a good model, emotionally.
She called me last night while I was playing a game with some friends, and in front of them, I said "letting that go to voicemail". I f****** tired of continual guilt trips, shame trips (which I give myself), so I said no. I'd kind of (if that's possible) thought I'd listen later. It's almost been 24 hours, and I've not listened. I'm going off repeat performances in my head, as I just don't want a guilt and shame based relationship anymore. I am getting SOOO tired of the emotional games they require and demand. I've got more exciting things to do than play "yes, I feel sh***, can you help distract me from it for a while?"
I'm tired of it with other people since I do it with myself still. DMSI is helping me see this, and it's hopeful since this sub has the tools to help me stop it with myself. That is enough of new challenge by itself; and me accepting it from others lately has been easy to see. I end up feeling it more when I put in effort to ignore it. "What you resist will persist", and it does so powerfully in my experience.
I love my mom, but I don't enjoy her lifestyle. Running from all change and pain is what I've followed most of my life. Hiding from it just creates MORE pain though. I'd not write this if I wasn't in regular awareness of it on DMSI.
I'm on my off day today. I'll restart B tomorrow. I've both read and experienced the melancholy on A and the hyperdrive on B. Shannon was wise to have us start on B, for there is a definite difference.
I want to be FREE!
