06-29-2018, 08:55 PM
Felt like posting again. I was feeling a little down and felt like I needed to get out of the house and be a bit more social. So I went to play some poker tonight with some friends. But I was so blah. Like you ever get those moments where everyone else around you is laughing and really in the moment and you just feel like you're on the outside looking in? I felt a negative spiral coming on and I managed to pull myself away from it. I told myself "No, I may be having some issues right now, but it's ok. This doesn't mean I have lower self worth". And it didn't fix my situation, but it definitely prevented it from getting any worse.
I've made a lot of progress with this in the past few years, but I still have my sticking points. For example, I'm not the best at conversations. I have a tendency to be a good listener, but then when people ask about me I kind of draw a blank. And I realized that I am where I am, so if people are put off by it there's not much I can do. So it's better not to try to present myself in the best way possible for the sake of what others think of me.
I know that sounds kind of negative, but if I'm gonna do this confidence thing it's gonna be for me. And if it's gonna be for me only then it has to be real. That means actually developing that confidence and self worth at a core level. So that means shedding what I call approval seeking confidence. The type of confidence developed so you don't appear unconfident. It's just when you're healing and working through stuff, you're at your most raw authentic state. Unfortunately it doesn't lend itself to making you that appealing to other people. I feel quite the opposite really. All the shit I've hidden for years is just out in the open and part of me wants to reel it back in just to go back to other people not seeing this stuff.
It's kind of hard seeing the worst flaws of yourself manifest around you, but at the same time not really knowing how to move past it except with time.
I've made a lot of progress with this in the past few years, but I still have my sticking points. For example, I'm not the best at conversations. I have a tendency to be a good listener, but then when people ask about me I kind of draw a blank. And I realized that I am where I am, so if people are put off by it there's not much I can do. So it's better not to try to present myself in the best way possible for the sake of what others think of me.
I know that sounds kind of negative, but if I'm gonna do this confidence thing it's gonna be for me. And if it's gonna be for me only then it has to be real. That means actually developing that confidence and self worth at a core level. So that means shedding what I call approval seeking confidence. The type of confidence developed so you don't appear unconfident. It's just when you're healing and working through stuff, you're at your most raw authentic state. Unfortunately it doesn't lend itself to making you that appealing to other people. I feel quite the opposite really. All the shit I've hidden for years is just out in the open and part of me wants to reel it back in just to go back to other people not seeing this stuff.
It's kind of hard seeing the worst flaws of yourself manifest around you, but at the same time not really knowing how to move past it except with time.
INFP
